Thank you. I haven't been to a doctor in about 5 months, well have had several er visits due to pancreatitis. I started therapy a few months after he passed away which did not last long because I needed to talk and she was just worried about me building boundaries. I seen my doctor who referred me to a psychiatrist who spoke to me for a whole 3 minutes then put me on bipolar medications and sedatives but never scheduled any therapy and told me to grieve naturally. Went to the ER having an anxiety attack so bad I thought I was dying, I was told they could not prescribe me anything and I needed to grieve naturally. Made an appointment with my doctor but she was on vacation so seen the PA. She told me to take Niacin, use essential oils and aromatherapy to help me grieve. Plus seen two other doctors in my medical facility and was told to grieve naturally. As for the cancer I haven't been back to the doctor to have anything checked. Last er visits they checked my blood levels to make sure they weren't the cause of the problems I was having. Its manageable , as long as I don't allow my blood to get thick and clot and my levels aren't high enough to need to be addressed medically I just stay away from the doctor. I told my GP and eye doctor about the migraines and the random blindness. I was told to keep taking my aspirin and make sure if the headaches and blindness last over a certain period of time to come in. After several different doctors, several different professional backgrounds, I'm fed up. But between the depression, anxiety, grief, and everything else going on it's made it really hard for me to care anymore about everything. I have no middle ground, either I care too much or not at all. That usually depends on my stress level that day, if my sugar is elevated, and if I've been up for days at a time. Everyone acts like I want to be this way, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I want to be ok, I want to not wake up not being able to breath when I realize my husband isn't in bed beside me and never will be ever again. I would like to sleep without the nightmares that cause me to wake up because I'm crying in my sleep. I would like to make it through one damn day without being trapped inside my own head to the point I can't get out of bed. I would like to be able to move on and not search for him in every man I talk to because it's devastating not to find it. That's when I stop talking to them because I trying to find the one thing I never will because he's gone. He knew the horrible things about me but loved me anyway. He made me want to be a better person. Things were going great, we had both grown a lot as people because we had each other. We both had good jobs making decent money, we were leasing a vehicle, we were moving into a house with our kids, our family, our future. And in an instance it was all gone, everything. How do you recover from that? How do you ever stop feeling defective and broken?