i have absolutely no issue writing & I'm actually more open than i should be when typing to complete strangers whom I've got no chance of ever meeting. i consider myself a writer at heart. however, on social media i have trouble posting anything at all. which i think is because i fear vulnerability to my ego & NY reputation in the minds of people i grew up with on my friendslist. i almost never post even the most innocuous personal thought or opinion. i have less trouble posting other's content that represents something i relate to but even that is hard for me. it's as if i like my social media 'pristine' in that, nothing i post can make me look any negative way.

in person, i don't talk. i can't easily talk. when i do, everything seems to go wonky. i put little thought into what I'm going to say. my mind goes blank. & i obsess over the insane empty alertness. my heart beats faster. sweat. and when i manage to choke out a sentence or a line of thought, my face BURNS red with embarrassment, my heart pounds, etc. i often get very tired but at the same time, extremely alert & empty headed.

i can never seem to find middle ground. & i've been like this for many many years when confronted with conversation, even with my siblings. even when i had a group of friends.