I'm sorry you are having to deal with this ongoing struggle.  I have some similar sorts of experiences as well. My personal approach is simply to abide compassionately with my own urges. Here's a link to a description of the practice of compassionate abiding. Perhaps it can be of some help:
https://mindsetdoc.wordpress.com/201...e-abiding-101/
May it be of benefit.  
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"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
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