Hey everybody. This is my first post here, and I have just made my account a few minutes ago.
In last two or three months I have felt very alone a lot of the time. I have felt this way even when I am in groups or doing "fun" activities. I feel extremely guilty and gloomy almost all the time about God knows what. I have thought deeply about it and I can't think of any event that might have triggered this. Most of the time in places like school I manage a smile and a laugh but every week or two I have a friend ask me what the matter is. I am finding it harder and harder to fake it, and I am feeling like my world is spinning out of control.
Outside of school I do nothing. I just stay at home listening to music, laying on my bed for hours, or going on the internet. I dread doing everything. Before (what I believe is depression) became intense, I was not super active outside of school but I enjoyed going places and going on vacation, which I now absolutely dread. My family is in no way a bad family, but unfortunately I know they would in no way support me if I told them how I am feeling. I have essentially lost my appetite. I haven't lost any weight but I've been barely hungry and only really eating dinner, and only eating dinner because I care about my health and know I need to eat. I actually feel pretty full almost all the time, which is surprising because I used to have a huge appetite. I used to love to go out to restaurants to eat, but now I dread it. I am also crying a lot more. Just today, I cried for an hour and a half over what I am going to explain below. I am not a crying kind of person but it just comes out when Im alone.
A few weeks ago, I finally told two of my friends, who knew me as a very happy person, how I am feeling. Trust me, they are two very good people but I was completely shocked by their reactions. I told them online on AOL Instant Messenger indirectly, just telling them I was feeling sad. They seemed fine with it and we continued to talk like usual. Well I have noticed that they have been becoming closer friends and they weren't talking to me as much as each other (I wont get into too much detail) and I pointed it out. I pointed this out kind of harshly, but it was not intentional and not extremely rude. Well, these two people were furious and they began to call me depressed and how I wasnt the same person anymore and they decided not to be friends with me anymore. I can tell they truly mean it and this will not just blow over by tomorrow.
I just feel utterly lost. I trusted these two people so much and I can't believe that this would happen. I did not pour out all my feelings to these two friends, but the little bit I told them occasionally really helped me deal with my feelings. Without them, I feel like I have nobody. Unfortunately, all my other friends do not know how I am feeling, and I cannot tell them for various reasons that I will not get into.
I Do not know what to do. I was waiting for this sad feeling all around me to stop but it hasn't and I need to do something about it. Maybe support on here would help, because I am not at a point now to tell anyone I know personally, after being almost betrayed by these two friends. Before they left me they told me it was all my fault that our friendship didnt work out and that I need to find a friend that would support me no matter what and would love me even if I was being "stupid and depressed." That makes a lot of sense but I have not found somebody like that in my life yet. Whats odd is, these two friends were just REALLY close to me and I have no idea what happened. One of these friends even told me that the other friend was so much better and that they wish they had never become friends with me because I just made them feel bad now. I can honestly tell you how much I didn't tell them about how I was feeling, I only told them VERY little details like "I'm feeling kind of tired." when I was really almost crying and feeling terrible.

So I was ranting. I dont know why I told you that. Maybe its a call for help or maybe I just needed to get it out there. Who knows, but there it is. It's everything I've been hiding from everyone.