Hello! I hope I’m posting this in the right forum, I noticed (and read through) a few threads that were like the one I’m writing now, and I decided to post in this forum as that seemed to be the trend and I figured I’d keep it going. Forgive me if it’s the wrong one, I’m new here!

(I’m not used to writing all this stuff out, and it gets a little heavy at times. If I say something that offends or is otherwise unacceptable for the standards of this site, please let me know, I did my best to read the rules and format this properly, and I don’t mean to offend anyone, if I come across that way. I’ve had online misunderstandings in the past and just wanted to be clear from the get-go, thanks!)

I’m writing a small book here to kind of get everything out in the open about my situation, firstly to just look at everything and really confirm that, yes, this is me. Secondly, I’d love for people to respond and tell me what they think would fit best for me in this situation. I am not currently seeing a therapist or on any medication.
I know a lot of these issues are complex and require a lot of time and energy to dig into and really get to the bottom of, and that’s why I’m going to do my best to lay everything out as clearly as I can from my perspective.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope that anyone reading this can add anything to help me make sense of everything and hopefully make the right decision.

Diapers and what they mean to me

So, diapers. That’s a weird one, ha-ha. Ever since I was a little kid I had a fascination with wearing diapers and using them. From making makeshift diapers to stealing my grandmothers (I know how terrible that sounds, but that’s how deep this drive goes) I’ve always had this desire to wear them.

That’s commonly referred to as AB/DL, or more specifically, just the DL (Diaper Lover). I am not really into the whole AB (Adult Baby) side. (I’m sure this has been said before, but just to be perfectly clear, DL is a fetish for diapers, and AB is acting like a kid or baby to regress and relax/de-stress. Nothing here involves any actual children or babies!)

I wore my first real diaper when I was 8 years old, and I eventually started doing chores for the neighbors to save up money to buy my own. It wasn’t until I hit puberty that diapers became a sexual object. I was caught wearing and using diapers several times, and that along with other things during my childhood led to very rough teenage years. I’m going to go ahead and put a trigger warning here.



Issues with incontinence in the past

During my tumultuous teenage years, I developed two forms of incontinence. I became a bedwetter for several years and had weekly episodes of bowel incontinence. My father took me to the doctors concerning that (after confirming it wasn’t me wearing them for fun) and the general consensus was that it was stress. I had ulcers in my stomach from the stress of everything and while they concluded that there was nothing physically wrong with my bladder, they figured the bedwetting was co-morbid with the bowel incontinence.

By the time I had turned 18, I had been out of school for a year and a half and my issues with incontinence had went away. However, I would say that the experience was a highlight of my teenage years (yes, I know that sounds sad, but it’s honestly true). The bedwetting and bowel incontinence justified my desire to wear diapers, legitimizing not just a fetish but a safety blanket.
Desire to be incontinent

I won’t go into too much detail, as I’m saving this for another post, but I pretty much had to put those desires on hold for 6 years, as I joined the military when I was 18. So, we’re going to skip to 2013 to present.

Young, making money, feeling pretty darn good about myself, but there was an empty void in my life. I was wearing and using diapers practically 24/7, and I felt I was satisfying my paraphilia, but there was always this voice in the back of my head.

There are several strategies that people have reported varying success with in achieving incontinence. The three main ones I’d like to lay out are as follows:
 The 12 Month Diaper Training Program
 Extended Catheterization
 Extreme Surgical procedures

Firstly, I’d like to knock out the last two from the list we’re talking about, because there is no way I would ever do those things. Extended Catheterization is just that; installing a catheter and draining it into your diaper for long periods of time. Not Interested.

I have read of people travelling to Thailand or other SE Asian countries who have laxer ethics regarding surgery. I have read of people with BIID (we’ll get into that soon) who go there to have their operations done. I personally do not feel comfortable (nor do I have the finances) to undertake that.

The 12 Month Diaper Training Program is a 12-month guide to essentially retraining your brain to trust your diaper and void whenever you feel the need. It is considered a very slow, deliberate un-potty training guide that can be quit at any time. Effects are felt over years for most people who do it.
The guide involves eating and drinking healthy foods so that it’s easier to void, listening to hypnosis tapes to help ease the inherent stigma with incontinence and diapers, and training yourself to consciously, and then subconsciously, keep your sphincter muscles relaxed so you void at the first sensation of needing to void. This will lead to a slow acclimation to using your diaper all the time, and eventual muscle atrophy that will leave you incontinent. Use it or lose it.

I have attempted the 12-month guide twice, with varying success. The first time I had to quit after 3 months, this was due to financial reasons. The biggest lesson there was that if I were incontinent, that would not and could not be an issue. This did not deter me, and I have become much more stable than in the past.

The second time, I was in school pursuing my associates degree. I was wearing and using diapers 24/7 for 6 months. After I graduated and entered the workforce and had time off to spend with friends. I noticed that I would have “cheat” days every so often or would take off the diaper for an event where diapers would be impractical. I felt like I was cheating myself out of happiness, and I eventually returned to wearing diapers often, however sporadically.

6 months of disuse, however, had left my ability to hold my bladder a little lacking. I am now a bedwetter and cannot risk falling asleep without a diaper on. I have also developed a very weak **** sphincter and have sporadic bowel movements without much warning. I have no desire to reverse these affects.

Identity issues

At this point in my life, I am wearing diapers almost 24/7, although I am not following the 12-month guide. I will wear regular underwear if I am doing something with friends/family (although that is rare, and sometimes I do wear diapers to these events). I honestly feel that diapers are right for me, but there are some underlying issues with identifying as incontinent that I’d like to suss out.

By far the biggest issue I face is that of my peers. I come across to my friends (or so they have told me) as a confident, get-stuff-done man that is self-reliant, successful and healthy. This contrasts heavily with the image I have of myself, or the image I desperately want to portray. Regardless of whether I am incontinent, I want to be viewed as incontinent, and using diapers as a medical device to control my issues.

I’ve moved to a new town a few months ago, and I met this woman who had a crush on me. I was still in school and I was following the 12-month program, so after a few dates I decided to tell her I was incontinent. I considered it an experiment on how far I could really take this lifestyle change. While things didn’t end up working out for different reasons, being accepted for who I was had a major impact on how I felt and made me feel happy to be me.

The other issue I faced was being incontinent at the workplace. I feel like this stemmed from a lack of confidence in myself and feeling “fake”. I know there is no real test to prove if I’m incontinent. I could just lie and say that I have problems and that would be the end of that. It wasn’t the routine, or chores involved with incontinence, I loved the self-care involved in making sure I was ok.

There is a remarkable difference in how I feel base on what underwear I’m wearing. I’m honestly okay with that, but I wish I had the courage to be myself. If there was a pill that would make all these desires go away, I wouldn’t take it. I like who I am I just have trouble being brave enough to own it.

Paraphilic aspects vs identity aspects

I want this section to go fast because there isn’t a lot to it and it’s kind of gross. Yes, wearing diapers turns me on, seeing others wear and use diapers turns me on. However, these feelings don’t go away after climax, and there is a constant desire to be wearing them, regardless of how I feel day to day.

BIID- Body Integrity Identity Disorder

I recently watched a video that taught me about BIID, and I found it shockingly like how I feel about who I am and who I should be. After some digging I found that some people with BIID also wanted to be incontinent (I had thought it was just limb removal). Very little research has been done on incontinence desires, ab/dl’s and BIID.

I did find a study, however, that claimed that most people who have achieved there BIID goals reported higher happiness and feeling “complete” and the anecdotal evidence I’ve seen regarding obtaining incontinence seems to be similar in findings. It might take some digging, but I can provide the source on request.

I’ve been in diapers practically my whole life. I’ve accepted them as part of who I am and that will never change. My current issues arise from fear of social ostracization. I have very few friends (6, 2 of them I consider very close), and fear that my entire support network would be destroyed if I “came out” as incontinent. I feel torn as to whether this is all some insane justification for a fetish or if this is really right for me.

Personally, I feel the best course of action right now would be to keep my friends in the dark about this part of me and expand my social circle, so I can “practice” being who I want to be before I take the plunge. The whole time I was “incontinent” I went through so many pains to keep it a secret, but I never felt like giving up, until it came to “get caught” or “hide the evidence”.

As an aside, there is also a very high likelihood that some of my friends already know, and simply haven’t said anything.

So, that’s that, thank you so much for reading everything (if you did, haha, I don’t blame you). I feel so much better getting that off my chest, and feel like just reading it and seeing it typed out has given me a spark of hope that no matter what, I’ll be okay.

tl;dr: I like to wear diapers, so I do. I wanted to take it farther, so I did, and now I don’t know whether to finish the job and go all the way or keep hiding who I am. Quitting diapers isn’t on the table for me.

Any questions, comments concerns?