I’m thinking about getting a job. I’d have to take a class to be a pharmacy tech first. I’d have to go to school on my own, to work on my own and I’m never on my own. Usually I get panicked on my own and think of hurting myself but it’s not like I’m doing anything when I’m alone. Maybe a job would help. I can’t get out of my head my former T implying I do nothing all day and I’m not trying to get better. I only see my pdoc 3x a year and I no longer see a T. I don’t drive so my husband would have to drive me. My SSI and benefits would be cut. I need to do something. I really want to hurt myself but maybe that’s because I don’t do enough. I won't hurt myself. I’m more likely just to take an ambein and go to bed. I go with my parents soon to be with them for 6 weeks. I was in therapy to get off medication but I can’t find a therapist able to help me. I miss my very old therapist because she was able to help me while not being afraid to talk about meds and the mental health system. Her feeling was as long as I was there I was looking for help, I was trying. I haven’t changed in days or showered but if I had a job I would have to or maybe I still wouldn’t care? I’m not engaging in my life and I’m mostly silent and I couldn’t be if I was working. I may be more paranoid but I won’t know until I try. I need to do something. My husband may leave me soon because I lack a sex drive. I haven’t had one in many many years. I can’t get my license so I would need to take the bus, with people on it. IDK, just a thought. My son graduates in two years and IDK what to do. I’m not depressed because I’ve been like this for months. I see a new pdoc (hopefully) in June. Hopefully I shower tomorrow but no promises. I can’t find a hobby, I have no friends so I mind as well have a job. Maybe I won’t even get hired. I need to lose weight but there’s always food in my mouth. Maybe I just need a gym membership and spend 20-40 hrs a week there.