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Originally Posted by cogladaid
I’m not sure exactly what causes me to drink and self harm. I feel wrong or upset and I need a release. At times I feel dead inside.
I have struggled with my identity in the past. I don’t know about my future or where I stand. I try not to worry too much but I have struggled before.
I don’t use illicit drugs. Only medication I’ve been on in the last year is an antipsychotic because of my paranoia and delusions. I’ve thought about stress being a factor with my psychotic symptoms but this last episode has been constant for about a year.
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I didn’t know about self-harm such as cutting, etc., until I was institutionalized. I understand feeling dead inside and I wonder if you’re trying to actually come alive and feel something good when you drink and self-harm? To escape the wrong and upset feelings and, particularly, to awaken from the dead?
I wonder, in my old age, if I have an identity. I’m going back to gradual (pun) school this fall and I hope to become <<something>> again. I was always a good student, maybe I will be, again. I was in school for 25 years, a long run. Maybe I’ll enjoy being a student again.
Paranoia can be present with BPD, but not psychosis. My psychosis is pretty horrific but it’s part of my schizoaffective disorder.
Yeah, you need to see a shrink. I believe that the right medications can help. I also believe that talking about the crap helps, too.
Good luck, get help, don’t harm yourself, okay?