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Originally Posted by annielovesbacon
I spent pretty much all of 2017 drunk or high on klonopin/xanax/painkillers (or both). In January I moved to Ecuador where I did not have access to any of those substances so basically I was forced to go clean.
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Do you think that your addiction might have precipitated the problems you had adjusting to your time in Ecuador? I know you had to return before the end of your semester, & I know from my own past experience that having to go cold turkey (if only emotionally) from substances is extremely stressful. Physical addiction & emotional dependence can be two separate things, but both can wreak havoc in our lives.
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Now that I am back to the US it's like I can hear the pills calling my name. I found some old klonopin and a lot of xanax (only .5mg though) and I am just barely holding on. I want them so badly
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Given all the stress you've just survived (& congrats for doing that), it's understandable that having a crutch to prop yourself up might sound like an inviting solution. Do you think, however, that picking up where you left off might lead to problems in your school program (& life in general) here in the States? If so, that perspective might help you resist returning to old habits. In addition, you mentioned both using alcohol to excess & taking benzos to relieve your stress & pain. Mixing meds & alcohol is some dangerous stuff. You might talk to your T about your urges, even though you've not returned to using.
I was following your posts about how hard it was to adjust to life in a foreign country, & shared your disappointment/relief when you returned home. You should feel proud that you survived that stressful time, & even though you couldn't finish out the semester, I'm sure you'll have exciting & precious memories in time. It may not seem like it now, but I'd be willing to bet on it...& to bet on you not returning to old destructive patterns. Keep us posted.