The ones who really want to die, will end it. People on Earth are encouraged to live, certainly, but they are not forced. If someone -truly- wants to end it, they will find a way.

I would encourage you to keep posting your feelings, but also acknowledge that there is a part of you that does want to stick around. Otherwise you would not have posted at all.

What strikes me with your words is that you don't necessarily want your -life- to end, but rather the -suffering- you feel. And the only way you feel you can end your suffering is through suicide.

Sure, it would be a very permanent solution. But there are other potential strategies out there. Strategies that take hard work and don't happen overnight. I know it is hard to imagine when you are in such a deep and dark place, but it can get better.