Ok, then what you have to sit with and take into consideration is what that relationship meant to you as a child both psychologically and emotionally. Little girls "want" love and approval from their daddy and when they don't see their mother get that, it can confuse them about love, and boundaries and respect. Also, what that child in you "learned" without realizing it is the things your mother did to handle your father's behaviors towards her. You also watched her "accept" his behaviors and she probably was on the passive side too. Your mother probably "took care of" your father and you learned from her "acceptance" and "patience" despite these times when he criticized her and talked down to her. You also developed certain "loves" for when your father was kind and charming. My guess was you got used to seeing how the world in your family revolved around your father and his opinions and needs.

This can all lead to how a child can be naive about what is acceptable and what is wrong on a subconscious level. Also, this can affect the child's self esteem which is something a child feels not really knowing what that is. You have talked about the "red flags" you did not see, or possibly overlooked where you hung on to the relationship much longer than you should have, also I remember how you wanted to believe your ex was good, going to change, going to somehow appreciate you more. These are all things you "unknowingly" learned without actually realizing it, after all, your mother is still with your father right, she showed you how to excuse the bad and think about the crumbs of love and approval your father bestowed upon her (and that child in you too). A lot of times what a child also sees is how a father will take out his frustrations and anger on the mother. Often a father will only be motivated to spend money on things HE wants, not what the mother wants that will make her happy. This is something a child witnessing can take in where that child "feels" their needs are only important when the authority figure in the home (ends up being the work place challenge too) decides their needs, opinions, and contribution is "worthy".

These "feelings and fears" are behind what you "fear" when it comes to standing up for yourself with that letter and anticipating how a response can be "hurtful" and leaving you with feeling the "emotional sting" from a toxic response. This is something that has been subconsciously instilled in you long before you had any choice or understanding of what behaviors are acceptable and what behaviors are not. Even when a child doesn't know the difference, that child can "feel" it.

When you talk about "closure" golden_eye, a big part of that has to take place in "you". The person who needs to step back, look at what has been and is "toxic" about a relationship the most is "you". The truth is that even when you write a letter that reflects what you have learned and how badly you have been treated, when the other person behaves in "toxic" ways, the response you will get will lack as did the relationship itself. The TRUTH is you gave this man love and you tried to help him and you had a good heart and you WANTED to trust him and at times he said nice things to you. However, no matter how much you tried, you cannot give him something he doesn't have and needs to find for himself "self respect". That man stopped growing and maturing when he began using alcohol and drugs and ran from his problems. His problems began long before "you" entered his life. Sit and allow yourself to genuinely "think" about how that man survived. How can you give that man control over "your" feelings?

You know what the best thing about that letter is that you ended up writing?
It's an essay about what you have learned about that relationship that was so unhealthy for you and actually "hurt" you. I have noticed how much you have been trying to LEARN golden_eye. You have had to LEARN what "toxic" really is, and as you have been doing that the child part of you that tended to accept certain toxic interactions that you grew up witnessing and "feeling" is finally learning to see the things that were "unhealthy and wrong". The naive is in your heart and that developed long before you had ANY idea what that was, but you felt it. Also, because of what you grew up witnessing you also imprinted some "unhealthy" things that you unknowingly grew to accept and thrive with. That is why you have attracted individuals who tend to be on the narcissistic unhealthy side. It's also why you "stress" when you encounter individuals who insist on doing things "their" way even when you try to tell them that what they are choosing to do is wrong. That "stress" is learned, and was learned in your childhood.

I have been discovering these challenges in myself as well golden_eye. I loved my father, but, he was often selfish and self absorbed and when it came to my mother the only things he gave her were things HE wanted or approved of himself. My father also was a binge alcoholic and the behavior patterns he exhibited with that were behaviors I had "thought" were normal.
There were things I looked for in a man that were not things my father did that I did not like, but I missed a lot of red flags and ended up marrying a man a lot like my father. Unfortunately, a lot of people make that mistake.

You have been learning and you know what? We actually do learn our entire lives. Relationships are very challenging because there are a lot of things we learn as children to accept simply because when we are children we don't have any idea what is healthy and right and what isn't.

Naive is present in everyone and often people "judge" based on what they know, and that can mean they are often making "wrong" judgments. So, given that statement, this letter you sent to this ex? What does he actually "know"? He knows how to escape and say things that tend to work where he gets to continue his "escape" from "himself and learning and growing and becoming more functional".