I saved my flatmate's life (who I had a crush on but he wasn't gay and we used to joke about it) after doctors said I saved him in the right time. He was completely naked when I saved him, which traumatized me even more. I had been in his shoes several times in my past but never went as far as he did.

This really traumatized me, but for the first 2 weeks i forgot i existed and he was everything. Regularly visited him in the hospital with food and friends. We talked a lot and i always told him how i love him and all his friends love him. While in the hospital, he decided that he wants to move out of our flat when he's released. At that point i had felt so betrayed that it finally released all my emotions. I broke our kitchen plates and messed up the house.

Then I become very selfish, filled with anger and hate. Some of my friends just couldn't handle how abusive and destructive I became, some didn't know what to do (my flatmate didn't see that because I distanced myself).

I then lost my job (which i started 3 days before he attempted) after that, I tried to check into a hospital twice but after a talk with the psychiatrist there and some meds I went home. So I decided to get better by traveling to my home country to see my parents.

I asked him for 1 favor, please please don't move out before I return. Logically, he cant move out in the 2 weeks that I'm gone because he was still in the psychiatric ward. Unfortunately, 4 days before I arrive, he tells me he's moving out in 2 days.

His decision destroyed me completely and I just couldn't believe that I meant nothing to him after he meant the world to me. Oddly enough he was still hospitalized and continued to be hospitalized for another 2 weeks, but his excuse was his one friend with a car (although there are many with cars) can only drive him that day. I finally raged at him and told him he was dead to me and just tried my best to forget him.But the day I arrive from the airport the first face i see in the flat is him, apparently after walking my dog. I just told him leave now, couldn't even look at his face.

During this period, my attitude pushed ALL my friends away, so I was all alone and family in another country (country at War). After I moved to a new flat and settled (3 weeks after i last saw him), I felt lonely and tried to mend my relationship with friends, but they were stubborn, so I thought i needed to fix my relationship with the source no matter how hard it is. Surprisingly, he wasn't too interested in fixing the relation and said he doesn't need a symbiosis in his life that he never asked for. After that, I was just really sad and in pain, but not suicidal intent, so I decided to carve the upper side of my arm, just so that my physical pain hides my emotional pain. Luckily, my friends saw this cry for help, they did an intervention which I was amenable to. But I still can't get over the betrayal I feel from my ex-flatmate, and the sadness over losing him.

I would like to know why he banished me and whether he ever cared about me in the first place, I don't want sexual love or a boyfriend's love, I wanted the love of a best friend. I'm the only person he banished and I can't seem to move on, I cut off my social media and removed all means of talking to him, but just the mention of his name saddens me. I guess I feel something like fake grief. So any ideas?

Thanks and sorry for the long read