Apparently, I am selfish. I think of no one but myself. If I thought about my husband or family, I wouldn’t cut myself. My husband has decided he wants to choose to be “ignorant” and blind to my actions. As long as he ignores it then he doesn’t have to acknowledge what is going on. He has decided that is how he will handle all of this. According to him if I loved him and the kids I would just stop. There is nothing wrong with me other than just being completely selfish. He says I have the ability to just choose to stop and that I make the choice to do this.

Maybe he’s right. I guess I am being selfish. I should be able to just stop for him and my family. I am weak for not being able to just stop. It is a choice. If I loved them then I would stop no questions asked.

I am tired of making promises to everyone. I am tired of having to keep promises and then failing. Easier not to make them. Then I don’t let anyone down. No one expects anything then. I can do as I please and no one can hold me accountable. If I am going to be a %#@&#! up in my husband’s eyes then I am tired of trying to correct the situation. Life would just be easier if I could remain in a constant state of numb and not have to care or feel. It was easier when I didn’t have to feel anything. Hiding everything inside made things less complicated.

Where does this leave me? Where do I go from here? I’m feeling backed into a corner. Starting to want to escape he who situation but how do I get out?

insecurity