Dear T,

What am I allowed to ask you? How manipulative and needy am I allowed to be?
Thus far I've mostly used restraint to not ask for reassurance. I don't ask "You do believe me, right?" or "Do you hate me?" or "Do you believe that I don't deserve to punish myself?"
I'm always holding myself back from asking because I know it's manipulative and not constructive, so I've trained myself not to ask others. I also don't want to seem childish and needy.

I want to ask you on Wednesday whether you think I'm pathetic and deserve punishment. I want to hear you say you don't think those things. I want to hear in your voice that you really don't believe those things. But if you'd wanted to say it you would have said it already.

Knowing you, you'll probably want to turn it around into how I feel about myself and whether I'd think those things of someone else who was like me.
But that's not comforting in the way that hearing you say it would be.
And I know I could manipulate you into saying it by saying I can't expose my vulnerabilities to you unless I know you don't think I'm pathetic because it would be so humiliating if you were sitting there thinking how pathetic I am and I can't stand that idea.
I'm manipulative and a terrible person like that.

I'm not sure if allowing myself to use you for comfort and reassurance like that would damage our therapeutic relationship. I'm trying not to get too dependent on your approval and comfort because that would turn therapy into me getting my "fix" rather than actually doing the work.
But I'm feeling insecure and vulnerable and needy right now. Sorry.