John......

As I shared with you that is a VERY courageous thing to have ended the affair. I say that because the easy way out would have been to continue as I am sure the affair was meeting some need that was not being met.

And, I think it is a good thing that your wife found out as painful as it may be. At least you don't have the guilt to burden you. And if your marriage was meant to be then this will be the ultimate test. It gives you a starting point from which to discuss the problems and issues in your marriage.

Having been married twice and in a few relationships after that I guess I have learned more than a little bit. Some may feel taht I am in no position to give advice, but despite my mistakes I really feel that I have learned along the way. The most important thing I learned is to be open and honest to your partner and to yourself. In my first marriage my wife probably was depressed. She was very manipulative and an emotional cripple. Instead of ending the manipulation I enabled it, allowed it to grow and fester to the point where I couldn't stand it and wanted out. My mistake... I wasn't honest or direct with her. Then, in my second marriage I was taken advantage of by someone that was not in love with me, but someone who was taking me for all she would get. I knew in my gut that something was wrong but I ignored those feelings frankly because she was younger, very attractive and physical intimacy was wonderful. My mistake... I was not honest with myself and didn't follow my head. Then, after that relationship I met the most wonderful woman. Unfortunately I met her at a time where I was battling pretty severe depression. I mismanaged that relationship very badly, as I think she did. Unfortunately my depression clouded everything. However, even with the depression there were issues that started when both of us "held back". I don't think that either of us were really open about problems, issues or concerns we had about the relationship. I screwed up a few times pushing her away because I thought she deserved better than to be with someone that was so screwed up due to depression. After that she held back and was not open to me. Our physical intimacy was never the same. She then felt that I was not attracted to her, pleased by her.... when in fact I was, I just wanted her to be open to me.

I think that relationhips later in life are very hard. Each party brings preconceived notions and ideas about the opposite sex, relationhips, they bring their hurt, pain, anquich, hang ups and insecurities. All this gets in the way of the thing that is most important... openess... communication as to what you want, need and desire from the relationship.

So talk things over with your wife openly and directly. Lay it ALL on the line. You have nothing to lose now. It will either salvage teh marrige, if it was meant to be. Or it will end it. But at least you know it ended with everything out in the open.

Good luck to you and congratulations on taking "the high road".