First of all I want to thank you for taking the time to read this. I have just begun my search and this is the first place I stumbled upon so forgive me if I’m not in the correct place, if not some referrals would be greatly appreciated.

The older I get the more I am learning about myself and wanting to change, and this is one of the biggest problems that I face. I am not 100% sure but I’m pretty positive I have a form of dissociation. I know most of you are probably not doctors, I’m not looking for a diagnosis, simply advice.

For as long as I can remember, during confrontation, whether it’s someone getting angry with me, yelling at me on the phone, or worstly, being in an interview, I go completely blank. It’s not just a simple case of nervousness, I completely forget everything, I have no memories, I can’t think. From the research that I’ve done I’m going into flight or fight mode and in my case freeze. During interviews it can get so bad to where my throat will start closing, so I have a hard time getting air which makes talking even worse, extreme sweating, it’s as if my body and brain are being overloaded with adrenaline.

From the research that I’ve done, dissociation is generally caused by trauma, which I can think of none. The only thing I can possibly think of is, I had Tourette’s for roughly 10 years when I was a kid starting out with episodes that are pretty much seizures, which I have no recollection of ever having. Slowly over time I got better and better and eventually I grew out of Tourette’s all together. If this is not the possible reason then I was just born this way.

Now most of you will probably just tell me to go see a doctor or physiatrist, which I may end up doing if I can eventually afford it. But I like to try and work through things myself before seeking help as I’ve always been very independent and self-sufficient. Do any of you have any advice other than seeing a therapist that I can’t afford, that I can do to work towards overcoming this?

Thank you so much.