Threw the sheep's eyes:
I was not going to post this....Because I felt like I was putting myself out here with out my wool on. LOL

.I have been up since 4 am going back and forth with it in my head. Then I remembered the day my grandfather passed away. That happened in Feb too. My aunt called to tell me. So I called my mom right away. Thinking she would be really upset. "The way things went in our house was you ignored them"
Anyway, she said yes hes gone, I am good, talk later your fathers going to be on the radio, I want to listen. "my only thought was what the heck???" I had forgotten that till this morning......
When I was young I was the one who always said what I felt; that was something you were not suppose to do;

Dear Mom
Its been 7 years.....Wanted to catch you up on a few things since you
left. Your granddaughter was 13 when you left. Shes all grown going to
college, You would be so proud. Grandson, well he was 10, one more
year of school for him now. He can talk now Mom, He can read too,
Going to a good school. They both miss you alot.
Your other daughter is clean now. Living near me. Has got to know her
niece and nephew some. She has some brain damage but, well you know I
keep taking care of her.
I guess you know Auntie is gone too, brain cancer you know....she is
with you now. Your all together...That was a hard day for me she tryed
to take care of me after you left....

I have a few questions if you have time? When I was young, why the
beating, I really can not remember..just sorta, Why all the
drinking...was it that bad? Maybe huh?
When Dad had his break down...why did I have to grow up that day? I was 12...
To much you know for a 12 year old...I would do it again...cause I do love you.
Why were there so many secrets for me to find out after, why not
tell the truth while you were here...?
Why did I always feel so small and then tryed to make myself that way?
Why was I always told I had not done things right?
When I was the one you left in charge, to care for you....Thou I
would do it again....
This ones a biggy "sorry" why did you and Dad stand bye and watch
him hurt me so....the bruises , the jaw, the eyes, the ears that were
bruised? You knew..ppl told you? I was 19 or 20? When he shot a gun at
me....well....just wondering?
When Dad had his second one again, how come it was made to be my fault?
It wasn't .....I had to grow up...that's part of life....
Another "biggy" when the person who lives upstairs" NOT god Ppl"
blamed me for son having autism ...why did you agree?
All these things I forgive....because I just do ..still hurts...but
...well its in the past...
I was going to write more but have lost my notes and somehow the
questions are not as important anymore............

I truly loved you and dad both or I would not have cared for you
since i was 12. LOL
I would not have brought you here to pass......I would not have put
the kids threw that...if I did not love you "no matter what I did"

I know you loved me, cause you waited to die with everyone gone from the house. Just you and me. I have never screamed so long in my life........and then made the call and told them "my moms gone and I am alone" please help.........they were there in minutes I think............
Please understand I loved both my parents so much. So writing this was very hard......My world stood still the day she passed on.....It hurt so bad..I could only cry.....while i was alone with her after the screaming stopped.......many mixed emotions or postum notes...........am crying you know those big tears
thats all I gotta say folks , Please no one be upset......some things well everything for a reason .........
Rest in peace Mom...........the little one"as they use to call me"