Glad I could help - that's what we're all here to do. So as I mentioned, I went through years of denial and self abuse until my dad took me aside and told me I needed help. This was after a particularly ugly incident in which I threw a lawn chair at my mom........talk about a-hole behavior. Anyway, I have a p-doc now who helps me formulate (and stick to) a plan. I didn't know anything about how diet, exercise, and meditation could help. Why? Let's be honest, we just don't know! But it's relatively laid back - he doesn't force me to do anything. I just meander through it - I sleep well, I exercise, I meditate here and there, and I quit partying, but my diet sort of sucks. I like food, what can I say? Anyway, he basically provides guidance and counsel. Years ago, I attended a series of mindfulness "training" sessions and I found them helpful. Meditation is very difficult to perfect since our minds tend to race all day long, especially if we're BP. Now, I'm at a point at which I'm on my own and I try to manage myself accordingly. I won't kid you - it isn't easy because life gets in the way and I'm 52. But it is very rewarding considering how I've acted in the past. I don't want to go back there.

Relative to your concerns about prior abuse, don't worry about it. Much of your (and my) behavior is linked to the BP. My drugs of choice were alcohol, cocaine, and any pills I could swallow (with alcohol, of course). My friends used to call me a "rage-a-holic" because when I was manic, I would go off the deep end. That's pretty normal for anyone with BP because we tend to make poor decisions. I look back now and see why it all happened. It was the MI and not the real me. The real me is who I am now. And I don't give the past a second thought. Screw it, been there, done that. IMO, leaving those friends behind is important - I left most of mine. I think about it here and there, bit it's all in the rearview mirror.

This might sound corny (and it probably is) but I have a framed poster of Loverboy in my family room. It's the entire band, and they look like they're having a great time. It reminds me of a time when I was "normal" and hand all kinds of promise - 1983 or so when I was a teenager. Then, I lost my way for about 25 years. I look at that poster and remember that there were good times and there still can be good times, but it's up to me to make it happen. It's time for a new chapter, Brother Ghtyui.