From what you have described of his parents and upbringing, it's not surprising he presents you with these challenges. Unfortunately, the parents definitely contribute to the deep inner workings of their child and this can affect that child their entire lives. A mother who sends a message of "I need this done in a certain way and it has to be perfect so you can't do it", really instills a terrible ongoing narrative in her child's mind of not being good enough that that child ends up stressing about his/her entire life "unknowingly". Actually, that is what he keeps saying to you "I need to you behave this way and if you don't I am going to have a fit and punish you in some way". From what you described his parents were not approachable and did not allow him to explore and participate and feel safe having his own identity. He is actually showing you the way he was "taught" to relate and it's not "healthy".

The only way he is going to improve and relate better is to get help to see where this comes from and learn how to overcome this behavior. Some people can learn and improve and some people NEVER change the way they behave and relate. He will need to learn about his behavior patterns that are unhealthy from someone other than you, he is not being open to your suggestions and that's where he ends up switching into his mother's behavior patterns sadly. He probably dislikes his mother, yet he is a lot like her from what you have shared, that actually happens a lot. He actually sounds like he has picked up some narcissistic behavior patterns, which is probably what his mother is. (Mind Games is a perfect title to this thread). Your husband plays the same game his mother played with him and he isn't really aware of it.

Unfortunately, a person imprints a lot of behavior patterns from their parents, long before they even have any idea they are doing so. That being said, they also imprint or develop emotionally from whatever they are exposed to as a child too.