I asked if he had any thoughts on the last session. He said the thing that felt unfinished was whether there was anything that might help when he's away. I asked if he had any thoughts about that.
He said it depends on what the most difficult thing is. If anxiety is that I don't know whether he still exists, he could "take steps to assure me" he still exists (ie contact me periodically). If it is that I will miss him he's not sure what he can do. I said "i have a list". He said "oh!".
I got my list out and I said that him contacting me while he's away isn't on my list because it feels intrusive to me and I want him to have a break. I said I appreciate the offer though.
I said there are things I can do and things he can do. I told him the things I can do easily. He had forgotten he had as many as 3 hour long videos online.
I said the things he can do list is more difficult to tell him. I asked him whethet he would be able to do a session between my holiday and his, and he said possibly on the Saturday morning but he would have to check. I said that was fine. If he can, that would cut the break down by 10 days.
I was quiet for a moment and then I said "I would like a transitional object". He asked me if I had anything I mind (I was not expecting that question!). I laughed and said yes but that's harder to tell him.
He said he felt sad that it was hard for me to ask him for things. He asked what was scary. I said that he'll say no and it will hurt. I said I feel like an imposition and I feel unwanted. He said he gets the imposition fear, but why unwanted? I said because if I am an imposition that means you don't want me there, that you are doing it because you feel you have to.
We talked some more about the transitional object. He said "is it the worst thing you could ask for?" I said "no! I could ask for your glasses" he laughed and said yeah that would probably be difficult. I said I could probably think of worse than that too.
I said let's park that for a minute and I'll ask my other one. I asked him if he'd be able to write me a letter with a few reflections on our work, the relationship, progress etc. He thought for a long time and said he thinks he can do that. I said "I feel like you don't want to?" He said he is thinking about how delicate it is, and how carefully he would have to think about what he writes but that's not the same as not wanting to.
I asked what he's worried about. He said that I would take it away and read it, and something might hurt me and I wouldn't be able to talk to him about it. He said the solution to that might be to give me it a couple of weeks earlier and give me the option of reading it earlier if I want to, so we can talk about its content before he goes away if I want to. I said that makes sense.
He said when I first said it he thought "can I do that?" And until he has a go at writing it he will have some anxiety about whether he can. But, he said "that's my tangle. And this is a useful opportunity for me to untangle that, so it's good".
I spoke again about not begrudging him the break as I recognised his need for self care and appreciate how that makes him the therapist he is. He said on that subject, he wants to let me know, in case i hear it on the grapevine, that he's winding down the teaching/keynote speaking part of his practice. He said he was concerned that if I heard that elsewhere i might think that it was a precursor to retirement, but actually he just wants to concentrate on his clients. (and I guess cut down on travelling). I thanked him for telling me. I said I notice my response to that was a little bit of sadness, mourning the fact I will never be his student or supervisee. But I wouldn't want to change the relationship we have either. I said "I think we would have been a good supervisor/supervisee team". He said he thinks he would have enjoyed supervising me too.
There was about 10 minutes left. I said "that just leaves one thing" (referring to the fact I still hadn't told him what transitional object I wanted). In the end I just pointed at it with my foot. (It's a little toy he often plays with as I'm talking to him). He said "Oh, that is fine!". He said "I'll play with this one instead" (referring to another fiddle toy I bought him a couple of years ago and that he happened to be playing with). That was a relief and very sweet of him. I thanked him for being so open to helping me. I said I was still undecided about whether i would email him during the break. He said he might not always be able to read or respond. I said if i did, I would email without any expectation of reading or response. He said he would try to read and respond on holiday but if not he would do so when he gets back. I honestly wouldn't expect one. I definitely want him to enjoy his holiday and not worry about me.
I said how I had been upset in session last week but immediately set about coming up with the list after the session. He said it was a measure of how far I had come that I could switch into that mode. I said yes, and also that I could allow myself to be upset and vulnerable in the session. He said definitely.
We stood up, hugged and chatted as we went to the door. It was a good session.