not sure where to start on my issues and addiction and past history...im 30, and it mainly started back when i was 13..possibly younger..my issues tend to be almost an amalgamation coming from one root cause...cyber sex. it started out as social chatting and escapism from the world and not having many or any close friends through highschool and out of school, id use yahoo chatrooms, msn messenger and random chat rooms where the same people would be on them every week. Also had an account on vampirefreaks.com when they had an account/username premuim based inbuilt chatroom where you got to know people in there. since then its been sites like chatroulette, chaterbate (and ive also never paid for online cybersex) omegle in recent months and years.
when my wife has caught me out...wether it be from conversation history, photos sent (**** pics) but not deleted via facebook, or history not deleted, thats when my anger issues arise due to shame on myself, that ive let it happen again and time again and emotionally hurt my wife...even tho i obviously know im doing it...just to get myself off, there is no emotional attachment to what im doing, no relationships formed online, just a purpose for blowing my load and then carrying on with daily life at home...its a self destructing and family destructing issue and i really hate myself for doing it...ive been suicidal over it and self harming, threatening towards myself and the verbal abuse with swearing and cracking the shits and going for a drive because i know ive done the wrong thing and i always keep blaming everything else but myself mainly...it is all my fault that ive done this, my wife and 3 young children dont deserve it, the arguing, yelling, my irrational anger moments sometimes borderline psychotic moments, punching walls to release the anger, headbutting walls and doors, recently smashed a beer bottle on the kitchen bench..have never done that before, scared the **** out of my kids and my wife when i tried flipping over our songs double bed and my wife was on it after looking at properties for her and the kids...i got pissed off about it all due to my cyber sex actions from the week before. sorry about the long essay...there is so much more to add but that will do for now.
thankyou all and it sounds like i come across as a complete asshole. im 30 by the way and live in the south east suburbs of melbourne, ive been to see sex addiction psychologists and psychotherapists, and for anxiety and depression...clearly hasnt worked as im back at square one with my life. our kids have seen more than enough of my anger issues, ive scared the **** out of them a couple of times and its not fair at all on them, im not much of a role model for them, and a pretty **** example of a father/dad figure for them to look up to.