Hi T,

Right now, I'm having the following impression.

For you, pain is something that you experience sometimes, e.g. after an accident. It's something that comes for a reason. Once you feel pain you go to the doctor, the doctor does something about that pain and then you feel better. Pain is something you deal with if it comes up, nothing to worry about in advance.

For me, it's entierly different. For me, pain comes and goes on a daily basis. And on most days, that pain isn't exactly minor. It hurts. A lot. It hurts a d*** f*** lot. On the days I don't feel pain, I'm dissociated. Sometimes to the point that I can't move. Sometimes "just" in a way that makes it hard to function.
I've been to doctors with that pain. To more than a handful of doctors actually. None of these doctors has ever been able to help me in anyway, if anything, they made things worse because they treated me... well, badly.

For me, pain is a sign that my body is betraying me. Pain and dissociation are things that keep me from achieving my goals. They're very much things I have to consider now, and not in the "unlikely" event that they happen.

You don't seem to get that. You don't get how extremly helpless and hopeless all of this makes me feel. Even worse that it's especially you, the first person who's ever made me feel understood and accepted, doesn't seem to get it. It makes me feel even more helpless and alone. We both know how extremly hard those feelings are on me.