Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose76
Not only is it inappropriate for your family to "make decisions about" your career, it is impossible for them to do so. But they're not going to stop trying - not anytime soon . . . because they believe you are susceptible to being influenced. What they believe is up to them. Some stuff you just let go in one ear and out the other. What you don't do is try to defend your decision to stay at this job . . . because . . . you . . . don't . . . have to. They'll get tired of talking about this, if you don't make it fun for them. You can even say, "Gee, you both make some interesting points. I'll have to think about that." Then you think about what they said for zero seconds. Your life goes on. Their lives go on. It sounds like you're making progress separating from them. Good for you. Little by little, they will catch on that your life belongs to you. You can be your own person.
Kids can sure be a burden, financially and otherwise. And they sure aren't always a joy to be around. Keeping it just the two of you may have lots of advantages. No law says you have to have kids. No one is guaranteed a healthy baby. It's a risky undertaking. The lifestyle of a parent is no walk in a rose garden.
No one knows in advance how competent they will, or won't, be at parenting. You do believe "he would have a difficulit time being a parent." After 4 years, I expect you know him pretty well. You could give in to him on this, and he could give in on some other issues. It might turn out to be a happy life for the two of you. He is warning you - as I see it - that he doesn't want you ever to be sorry down the line about agreeing to a "no kids" marriage. Or, rather, he doesn't want you ever acting like he forced you into something. Neither you, nor any of us, can predict how you will feel in 20 years. But he is basically requiring some strong assurances from you that you're going to be, and stay, all right with this. The title of this thread includes the words: "I can't agree . . ." So you do have quite an internal dilemma to resolve. But he was very fair in telling you right from the get-go that kids had to be out of the picture. Wait a minute. While you were in the process of falling in love, he threw out that maybe you guys could adopt . . . or have just one. He agreed to those options. But then he went "back and forth." Then, after your heart was won, he said 100% absolutely no kids. So he's been real consistent and fair. Aaahh . . . I'm getting confused.
I think you are too.
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Yes they can’t “make” me do anything. The choice is ultimately mine in the end. They will do it more and more if I let them.
Yeah I know we can have a good life just the two of us. Like I said he agreed to live near my family so I will have them in my life. I will have close friends around. We will be financially stable and not having kids means I can have more of an ability to focus on my career. He has always encouraged that. We could have a nice comfortable home- something that I haven’t always had living in tiny apartments and growing up in poverty. We could travel the word together- one of my top joys in life. I value traveling more than having children (but it doesn’t mean I can’t have both).
But I fear that I will always feel the void. I have a very small family as most of my family is abroad and I always felt that void of not being surrounded by family. So I thought children could be a good way to build my own family up.
When we met I was 20 and he said he didn’t want kids within the first few months of dating. Back then I didn’t know if I wanted them or not. I had just experienced a huge trauma and he was the first man I even felt comfortable with. As our relationship has progressed and I’m faced with the idea of not having kids I realize that I do want them. We spent the last year really taking about it which was after I’d already been in love for a while and that’s when he wanted to compromise for my sake but he thinks ultimately it would be the wrong choice ultimately landing on his final decision to not have them.