Wow. I am so sorry for all your losses and problems. In England, where I live, there are 'green' jobs where you basically go and help someone build their log cabin (or whatever) and get free food and accommodation. You don't always need skills, a lot of the time, they just need a pair of hands. There's quite a sub culture going, with people travelling all over the world to work on amazing projects for free. Is there such a thing in the States? It really sounds or feels like you trying to live in an apartment and force yourself to do so,e crappy job just isn't the right thing. Maybe time to look at something completely different?