Drinking is the only thing that makes me feel truly good. I smoke weed, and I just feel tired. I've tried other drugs that were nice and relaxing, but my true love is alcohol. I've cut my drinking down to one night a week, but I drink more in that one night than most people drink in a week or more. As I get older, the hangovers and the post-drinking anxiety are bad enough to make me want to quit, but I never do.

I told my therapist recently that if I could just feel drunk all the time, I would. It's the only time I feel like I can be myself and do and say what I want. It's the only time I feel comfortable in my own body. He told me if I kept telling him that kind of thing, that he'd have to send me to a specialist. I didn't want that to happen, so I don't talk about it anymore.

For the first time in my life, about two weeks ago, I seriously considered putting liquor in my coffee to take to work. Or just hiding a couple of shots in a water bottle to take the edge off my anxiety during the day. I didn't do it, and I don't think I ever will. But it was tempting, and I did think about it. I was having a bad week. But I can't afford to lose my job.

The problem for me is not really that I drink too much, but that I drink too much because it's the only time I feel good and alive. Being sober means I feel anxious and uncomfortable, and never at ease or satisfied with myself. Sobriety is not something I enjoy. So I spend most of Saturday drinking, and most of Sunday hiding in bed feeling sick and ashamed. And I repeat from week to week.