That very well could happen. There’s a lot of stuff in my background that have left me feeling empty and fixing that emptiness starts from within. I think I expected building my own family to help fix that but in life there’s no guarantees in life except death.

The hard part is that I can’t honestly answer the question of what I would feel like 10, 20, 30 years from now living a childless existence. Ultimately that’s probably what makes this decision the hardest. Knowing that I have the possibility of a good life with a man I love in front of me and giving it up to MAYbE have kids one day. I’m not a fortune teller and I’m very uncomfortable with the gamble. I could have kids and still be unhappy, empty, and feel a void. I could have kids but be in an unhappy marriage. I could break up with my bf now and never find the right man to have kids with. I could leave my bf only to never stop loving him. I could never be ready for kids. I could have a kid with a significant disability or health complication. I could have a horrible or distant relationship with my child. I could never get to a place where I can even afford children. I could lose a child. I could lose a husband. I think I’m just so afraid of making the wrong decision. At the end of the day all I want is to be happy.