(((elevatedsoul))),

One of the things about the list of challenges you have that most have in common is the focus on "what did I do wrong?". Unfortunately, one of the things that IS wrong when it comes to human interaction is the focus on what a child did wrong instead of what a child did that is right and good and a positive. It's not just "you" either, if you stop and think about it right now with all our technology we tend to get inundated with so many messages about what people do that is wrong and there most certainly is a lot of "hate" taking place that tends to be very intrusive when it comes to our daily lives.

Guess what, you were never perfect, you are never going to be perfect either, HOWEVER, that NEVER means you can't do things right and make progress, and experience positive things. If a child is directed to focus on all the things on a handed back test or paper that is marked with red instead of all the things that child got right, that will set a tone for that child to focus too much on what is wrong instead of feeling positive about what is right and represents progress. By focusing on the negative so much, it can rob a person of seeing their own potential and the positive things about themselves, it can create a sense of disbelief in one's own abilities and talents that individual deserves to embrace about themselves. It can leave a constant void where a person tries to fill that void with seeking approval and validation in unhealthy ways.

This is what is getting in the way of your being able to concentrate and function better at work. It's not because you are not intelligent enough to function, in fact you are probably very intelligent and capable, what is getting in your way is all the "doubt" instilled in you. It's not surprising that you have this challenge "I don't know where to begin" when it comes to being able to sit with your therapist again in your effort to get validations and supportive ways you can gain on this big challenge you are struggling with.

I can relate to that challenge myself because I am seeing a new therapist and I have "now" challenges plaguing me, but in order to give this new therapist an idea of why these "now" challenges have gotten me to a point where I genuinely don't know what to do about what I am dealing with because the situation triggers me so badly that I can't do what I want to do, I need to give her some "history" first. I have a lot of dysfunction and trauma in my history and it affected me a lot more than I had consciously realized. I also failed to get the right help when I had needed it and I have been a VERY misunderstood person, and I don't want to experience that again in my effort to reach out for help and guidance. Unfortunately, I have had to have therapy for having bad therapy so I am trying to prevent a therapist deciding things about me that are incorrect and can lead to once again failing to get the therapy I really need right now.

What I can say about gaining on better managing these symptoms that keep challenging you, is learning more about the things you did right, the positive things about yourself and how to "grieve whatever was lost" to you, but to also embrace the positives about yourself too. As you gain on that, you will begin to gain on your ability to focus on your work and gradually embrace more positives in yourself. This process doesn't happen overnight, it really does take time and lots of "patience" with self and learning how to "self nurture" and gradually fill your own voids where you "slowly" gain some much needed "inner peace".