T today. Sat down, Me: "You're all dressed up today. Don't think I've seen you in a tie before." T: "Well, the shirt just didn't look right by itself." Me: "Ah." T: "Thanks for being willing to come earlier today." Me: "But I was the one who asked you to change the time?" T: "I thought I asked if you could switch to 10:30 or 3?" Me: "...I had learned a few days ago about a meeting I should attend, so I asked you to switch to 10:30?" T: "Well, thanks!" Me: "Thanks to you, too. Guess this worked out."

Said I had some positive stuff to share. How I'd gone to QiGong (an exercise sort of like Tai Chi, maybe a bit like yoga), and described it a bit to him. He seemed intrigued and explained that it sounds like part "static" exercise mixed with movement. I said I felt like it had somehow led to positive developments in drinking and exercise the past few days and shared details. He seemed encouraged, said maybe was positive momentum.

He asked some more about the drinking, including asking whether I now considered myself an alcoholic. I said in some ways I did, but...some would consider an alcoholic someone who is drunk all the time, when I'm not like that. He described several different sorts of people who could be considered alcoholics, including someone who doesn't drink much all year, but then goes on a couple benders. And then the person who might have a drink in the morning, one at noon, one in afternoon, one in evening, just to the point of being "tipsy." I said I was kind of like that except for the "tipsy" part. How I feel like that implies a bit drunk, and I'm just more a bit leveled out, that it would take more than one drink for me to be what I'd called "tipsy." He agreed, saying he's not sure why he used that term.

Talked about D briefly, her sleep habits, high energy levels, etc. (I forget why she came up). He then said he wasn't sure if he'd asked this before, but were we just having the one? I said yes. He asked why, gave brief explanation of how we really only ever wanted one. I said I assumed he just had the one kid, since there's only one photo on his desk. T: "We don't talk about the other one." I laughed." He said yes, just the one. (Wanted to ask why just one for him, but didn't.)

It had been about a half hour. I said I had something I kinda wanted to talk about, but didn't know. T: Go ahead, we have 20 minutes. Me: .........It partly came up because of a comment you made about H last week, er, last session, regarding him being jealous. T asked if I meant of MC? I said kind of, and him. He reiterated part of what he'd said last session, about sometimes people wanting their partner to be jealous. But it wasn't what I was going for.

I said it also tied into the conversation we'd had maybe a month ago about testing. T looked confused. He said he didn't recall exactly what he'd said. I said I wouldn't expect him to, that I had partly initiated that conversation about testing because I had considered telling him something, but didn't know if it was testing him. T: Now I'm really confused. Me: Yeah, I know, I'm not really making sense. Just trying to work myself around to something. T: Remind me what I said that you're thinking of? Me: You mentioned how if someone keeps testing, eventually they'll hit the point where they'll get rejected, or something like that. T: Oh, I wasn't referring to myself there, just in general. Like, if a partner was like, "Will you still love me if I do this? What about this? How about this?" Then they'll likely hit the breaking point at some point and then would be like, "See you abandoned me, just like I said you would." I said that made sense. But still worried about telling him something.

I sort of rambled about stuff involving whether I wanted to share or not. T sat back in his seat and said, "I'll wait till you figure out what you're going to say..." I said, joking, "Maybe you should go get some more coffee and come back or something." I said I was just worried how he'd react to something involving him.

I said how in the past, he'd said Googling was OK. He said yes, to a point. I asked at what point it wouldn't be OK to him. He said if it's just the first page of Google results, that's fine. It's more if someone went way beyond that, was, say, tracking down his relatives' Facebook pages, trying to find photos of him on there. I said I hadn't done that. And that I wouldn't, had learned that lesson with MC (I had just found MC's wife's page).

I asked what about videos, say, if I'd found a video of him doing something online and watched part of it. He asked if was playing [the sport he plays]. I said yes. He said he thought his brother had uploaded a couple to YouTube. I said yes, I'd watched a couple minutes of one of them. He said that was fine. I said OK.

Then I said there was something else. He said if I wanted to wait till next session to share, was OK. I said no, just had to get it out, but was worried because not much time left to discuss. He said I could always send an e-mail after session if still bothering me, that I knew our agreement about e-mails. I thanked him. I started crying and said I was just scared because of what had happened with MC, that I'd screw something up with T. T said that was very understandable that I'd have those fears.

I said it had been maybe a month or two ago. How T had replied to an e-mail and implied he was traveling. And I'd checked something online and figured out he was at an event. I asked if that bothered him, and he said, "Maybe a little." I said I was sorry. He said was OK.

I said then I saw how something he was doing would be live streaming. And, well...I ended up watching a bit of it. I glanced at him nervously through tears, waiting for his reaction. He said, "That's OK. I'd rather you not do it again though." I said I wouldn't, and I was sorry. He said, "It's OK. I'm not upset with you." I said I was glad. That I was just going to not say anything to him, but he'd made a comment last session regarding H, where he was saying how waiting longer to share something (in this case, e-mail to MC) with him could make it more awkward. I said it struck me how that could apply to the thing with T, too. T said he was glad I'd told him. How otherwise it would have been a secret between us and it could have ended up blocking things in therapy.

I said, crying, "I was just scared that I'd tell you, and you'd say I had to leave." T said, "Wow, you really worry about people kicking you to the curb, don't you?" Me: "Yeah." T: "It's OK, Again, I'm not upset. I hope we know each other well enough that you know I'd be honest with you about how I felt." I said we did. He added that really, now that he's thinking about it, what I saw is part of his public life (rather than private life) anyway.

Scheduled for next Friday (already on for next Tuesday). Went over to his desk to pay. Shook hands, as he said, "Good luck today." I said thanks, and "Are you sure you're OK with everything?" T smiled, looked in my eyes, and said, "All is well." I said "OK, thanks. I'll do my best to remember those words." Then headed out.