Quote:
Originally Posted by eskielover
Are you feeling the pressure of your father's values?
If you are wanting a child to fill a void in you then that is USING the child rather than having it to enjoy (or not) the parenting experience because yiu REALLY want to be a parent.
Also....yiu initially posted something like:
Family is the thing to do.....(which sort of does follow your dad's philosophy)
Remember, a kid is a committment FOR LIFE....not something to rehome like a puppy if it doesn't end up fitting into the family.
I never wanted kids. I was actually hoping that it would be a deal breaker in my not ending up getting married (long story with red flags) so I said no kids & he agreed because my degree & my career was MY priority & I didn't want to go into the marriage with him not understanding that. Nothing was going to get in my way....Unfortunately I did get pregnant & the first thing he told me was that I could just take 5 years off my education & go back when the baby was ready for school....totally disregarding my desires & the agreement we made before the marriage. Our relationship was war from the beginning because of the situation that brought up the red flags but this was actually a huge nail in the marriage coffin. It worked out & I agreed to compromise with one kid because I was already pregnant & struggled with the concept of abortion. My parents stepped up to care for her when needed the last 10 months to get my degree & then to stsrt my computer engineering career.
I had no idea how to care for a baby & honestly had no interest kn it even after she was born. I loved her but never felt that motherly connection. I think looking back that was because of the whole surrounding situation of her comibg into my life. I live her & was always her advocate & she still comes to me to talk things through though we live 1/2 the country away from each other & because of bad finances haven't been able to get together for 10 years.
Nithing guarantees that life will turn out how you imagine it at this point.
You really need to analyze your "why" you want a kid or kids. It sure diesn't sound like you are emotionally ready for one at this point & who knows maybe when you are, you may not want one by they & this whole thing will have been an exercise in the process of figuring yourself out.
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I wouldn’t say I want kids to fill a void within myself. I would say I only have 3 family members in the whole country and always felt lonely compared to my friends who have all their cousins and grandparents so I wanted to build my own family. I think I would feel the void if I DIDNt have them- the void of not being a mother. I don’t believe this should be my everything as I want to Feel like a whole person. Of course I know I already will love my kids unconditionally and am excited for all the other aspects of parenting- milestones, teaching, watching kids grow into their own people. I’m really excited to teach them about the world around them. I’m excited to share all the things that make me happy like art and friendship and traveling with another human being. And If they don’t like these things I’m excited to help them explore things they do like. Ultimately I just feel that strong unexplainable internal instinct to have kids and I feel I already have a maternal instinct. I know I am not emotionally mature enough for children right now and never understand how so many of my peers are having kids when they are even less “mature” than I am.
I don’t remember posting anything about “family is the thing to do”. I don’t want a family because it’s “socially acceptable” or what other people do. I mean I want so badly to be on the same page as my bf about this so not wanting kids would be the “Easier” option. Logically even it makes the most sense- financially, for a career, ect. Kids are very expensive and it is hard for your career not to suffer at least a little because of them. And yet I still want them. My beat friend never wants kids and I have a lot of friends who say they never want kids- it is becoming more acceptable in my generation. As long as I have the proper resources I am prepared to make that lifelong commitment. I worry about money and time the most.
I’m sorry to hear about your marriage and child. It sounds like you ended up in a good place with your career and leaving a marriage that wasn’t right.
You’re right there are no guarantees and by the time I’m “ready” I may not want them.