So I read a book called the power of now by eckart tolle about 2.5 years ago and I feel like its totally screwed me up (not blaming him or anyone because I know the book has done great things for lots of people). I feel like im stuck in this constant obsessive thinking about how exactly I find awareness, enlightement, acceptance (im sure theres many other words that describe this concept). It occupies my thoughts 247. I feel like im always in this state of trying to force something to happen. Ive been to 4 different therapists over the past 4 years who have told me all the techniques, approaches etc. My latest one says 'dont even try to do anything at all, theres nothing that needs to be done' or just watch the thughts float in an out like clouds but I still feel like I'm trying to force the 'do nothing' or thought watching process as well.

I dont think I can even put into words how frustrating this is. I feel like my whole life is passing me by. Logically I know im doing ok. I contribute at my job, do volunteer work, have hobbies and have friends that I catch up with but I still feel totally stuck. Im so lost in the black hole of my thoughts that I feel that the world is just a fleeting thing in the background. I feel guilty because I feel like I dont actually have a proper illness its just I keep ramming my head into the wall over and over again expecting a different result. Apart from my therapist I never tell anyone about my problems I dont even know how id explain (if I just felt sad all the time I could explain that). I feel like nothings working and im so isolated, and will never be satisfied