It was really interesting to be in my creatives group after our conversation about groups in general. I don't think you so much made a suggestion as I wondered if I could do it differently.

One thing I realize with this group issue, is that I have changed the way I think about my presence and the impact I have on other people. I used to worry that I was like poison, that I negatively harmed everyone I come into contact with and now I'm able to acknowledge the positive, what I have to offer. Doesn't mean that everyone likes it, or me, but that's not what I'm trying to accomplish. You can say stuff but it doesn't mean people want to hear it, and that's their right, it doesn't change the value of what I said or what I have to offer.

So the idea that I don't have to change the dynamics of the group (as if I could, but not trying to make it into my idea of what it should be is a positive step), to just be okay with what the others around the table do and say. That it's possible to get something out of the group without trying to influence anyone else's behavior.

I still think it's okay to want to impact people in a positive way, and with critique among the creatives, I've seen this happen frequently. I can impact people and move them forward in their craft in small ways. I feel good when this happens. I feel good when people acknowledge this. But my own creative work and what I can learn from the group process is why I'm there, and I don't want to be stuck on how I may or may not be useful to other people.

So I put this idea of "letting it be" in my group into practice this week. There were about 5 fewer people in the group than last week, and I felt more comfortable. Had a little more elbow room around the table. Maybe my personal space issues play into how I relate to a group. It also wasn't quite as hard to get the floor to speak. I noticed the dynamics that bugged me and thought about critiquing the critique, but resisted that impulse. Other people can just say what they want to say and I'm not going to pile on.

I think I'm just someone who sees things differently than a lot of people, in more than one context. We talked a bit about how the unique speciality of my work has changed my worldview. Maybe I'm becoming just a teeny bit more comfortable with being different or an outsider or marginalized within my larger profession. Maybe it's the best thing about me. And accepting that makes participating in a group just a lot more comfortable, especially if I can just let the group be without being frustrated about what it's doing and whether or not I agree with that.

I still think the usefulness of the creatives group is an open question. I think that when I'm doing the work, feedback on it is not always useful at every stage. I may be at that stage where I just need to focus and even participating in the critique of others' work has a much slower learning curve.

This last session, by the way, felt very "grown up" in the sense that I felt able to talk honestly and openly about something I think is negative, even shameful about me, and have the distance to stay centered and imagine doing something in a different way. I like this curious, explorative place in my life right now. It's hopeful and feels like growth, as if I'm becoming what I wanted to be when I grew up.