I'm thinking about looking into an inpatient program.

I just feel like I'm nearing the end of my rope.

I don't know why, but I'm so terrified of asking for help, but I know I need it.
I'm depressed all the time and think about dying often. I don't have an active plan, but I feel like I'm getting closer to maybe start thinking about one. I'm not in crisis at this very moment, but it feels like it's been a long thing coming. You know?

I feel so conflicted all the time. I read this article once on suicide and awareness and warning signs or whatnot. And the author talked about how there's not always warning signs to help you know when someone is feeling or close to committing suicide. There are plenty of people who showed warning signs that maybe could have helped prevent them dying but there are also people out there who never let on and are determine to keep it that way, and one day they are just gone.

And I feel like that is always playing on loop in my head. Wanting to reach out for help because I know it's the right thing to do but also not wanting to say anything because if I do decide, I don't want anything getting in my way.

I'm just so tired. Tired of doing this alone, but terrified of letting someone (anyone) close enough to try and help. I have horrible trust issues. And a list of issues I don't even like to acknowledge and have spent the better part of a decade slowly dissociating from. I don't know who to trust and be vulnerable with to let my guard down, so I stay holed up and keep everything to myself. I don't think I'm worth the effort and don't want to burden or drag down my friends. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I also don't want to be alive anymore. The one thing I want, I feel like I can't have. And that's also why I think it is so hard for me to ask for help. Because I feel like I'm doing it because that's what you're supposed to do. Nobody wants someone to take their own life. But that's all I want. So I feel torn.

And it's getting to be too much. Something has got to change, right? I'm just so terrified that I'm frozen into place. I don't know what to do. I know you shouldn't wait until it gets worse, but that's all I've been doing. And I don't know how to stop. Honestly sometimes I think, I wouldn't even know if I was in actual crisis or not because I stay so removed myself.

All I know is that things are slowly getting worse.

Yesterday, I went to a live performance for a favorite artist. I saw her last year and it totally helped me and changed my life. This year, I got to hold her hand and look directly in her eyes as she sang to me and . . . I was barely present. I hardly felt anything at all and I felt so fake.

I woke up this morning and now I'm having symbolic dreams about self harm and suicide related themes.

I don't know what I should do anymore and need someone to guide me.