This is bothering me and thought to ask for help here. I’m middle age and never felt I have DID even though I have a few unusual memories. One night when I was a teenager I awoke in the middle of the night standing in front a window. In the morning my brother & mom told me that I was banging my hands on the window. They also told me that there was a man on our porch, and that my banging on the window scared him away. Very strange. To this day it still puzzles me. I have no memories at all of doing that except a very vague recall of banging on the window the moment I became conscious. Also in my teens & early 20s I would quite often find myself somewhere in the middle of the night. A lot of times I actually found myself outside in the middle of the night. Luckily my bedroom window was open, so with a bit of struggle I could jump up and climb back in. One night as I was headed to my window at night outside my Dad closed my window. Stuck outside at night in my pajamas lol.

Anyway, my entire life I’ve been able to hear voices. The messages from the voices are usually very nice, sending me love. I’ve always assumed they were spirit guides. Most of my life I haven’t been interested in the voices, and so the voices never talked to me or bothered me. Although the past 8ish years I’ve been interested, and have talked a bit with them off and on. Last night I finally got the courage to ask them a question I’ve really been dying inside to know. Not sure why I suddenly decided to ask them. The question is about my childhood fear. I recall the 1st day of going to kindergarten. Every day during playtime I would run and hide behind the bushes, watching the kids play. For some reason I was always frightened to death of people. Like, up till my mid 30s if I talked to even 2 people at once my face would turn so red and feel like I was going to faint because of fear. Although some of that fear was also do to a lot of really bad things that happened to me throughout my entire childhood that I do remember. So, the voices told me some things that happened to me at different ages. They also said something to me that made me think they’re alters. So I asked them, “Do I have DID?” They said, “You kind of have DID.” I then asked them how many of them are there, and they said 11 not including you and “Mother.” I knew what they meant by Mother. One of the voices has always been different. She identified herself as my Higher-Self, my Mother. Long ago she gave me a vision of what she looks like. It was like a big Angel with bright white rays of light radiating out from around her, especially her head.

So anyways, I’m not sure what to think of all of this. Last night just as I went to bed I ask my “alters” if one of them would please enter my body and show me what’s like. To my shock, like within half a minute I found myself what seemed to be looking upward at some light. I was kind of in a void, although I didn't look around, but sensed that there were some types of forms around. It’s difficult to say how far away the light was because sometimes I want to say 8 inches above me, but yet it also kind of felt a lot farther away. Within a few seconds I heard in a clear relatively loud voice someone say, “Paul, this is Ryan. Paul, this is Ryan.”

Last night freaked me out. This afternoon I decided to ask my “alters” that if I go to sleep if one of them would enter my body and record a video of them. Well after waking up I looked at my phone and was disappointed to not see any video. I’m not sure if they exist. If they exist, then maybe they’re shy or don’t want to reveal themselves to that degree. Or maybe they don’t like me. Idk. If they exist then I don’t want to force them. It really frustrates me. Like, maybe my purpose is just to exist in this painful outer world so they can have fun in their inner world. So many thoughts racing through my mind. It kind of feels like maybe I have DID, but my alters have chosen not to be apart of my life.