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Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer
This is bothering me and thought to ask for help here. I’m middle age and never felt I have DID even though I have a few unusual memories. One night when I was a teenager I awoke in the middle of the night standing in front a window. In the morning my brother & mom told me that I was banging my hands on the window. They also told me that there was a man on our porch, and that my banging on the window scared him away. Very strange. To this day it still puzzles me. I have no memories at all of doing that except a very vague recall of banging on the window the moment I became conscious. Also in my teens & early 20s I would quite often find myself somewhere in the middle of the night. A lot of times I actually found myself outside in the middle of the night. Luckily my bedroom window was open, so with a bit of struggle I could jump up and climb back in. One night as I was headed to my window at night outside my Dad closed my window. Stuck outside at night in my pajamas lol.
Anyway, my entire life I’ve been able to hear voices. The messages from the voices are usually very nice, sending me love. I’ve always assumed they were spirit guides. Most of my life I haven’t been interested in the voices, and so the voices never talked to me or bothered me. Although the past 8ish years I’ve been interested, and have talked a bit with them off and on. Last night I finally got the courage to ask them a question I’ve really been dying inside to know. Not sure why I suddenly decided to ask them. The question is about my childhood fear. I recall the 1st day of going to kindergarten. Every day during playtime I would run and hide behind the bushes, watching the kids play. For some reason I was always frightened to death of people. Like, up till my mid 30s if I talked to even 2 people at once my face would turn so red and feel like I was going to faint because of fear. Although some of that fear was also do to a lot of really bad things that happened to me throughout my entire childhood that I do remember. So, the voices told me some things that happened to me at different ages. They also said something to me that made me think they’re alters. So I asked them, “Do I have DID?” They said, “You kind of have DID.” I then asked them how many of them are there, and they said 11 not including you and “Mother.” I knew what they meant by Mother. One of the voices has always been different. She identified herself as my Higher-Self, my Mother. Long ago she gave me a vision of what she looks like. It was like a big Angel with bright white rays of light radiating out from around her, especially her head.
So anyways, I’m not sure what to think of all of this. Last night just as I went to bed I ask my “alters” if one of them would please enter my body and show me what’s like. To my shock, like within half a minute I found myself what seemed to be looking upward at some light. I was kind of in a void, although I didn't look around, but sensed that there were some types of forms around. It’s difficult to say how far away the light was because sometimes I want to say 8 inches above me, but yet it also kind of felt a lot farther away. Within a few seconds I heard in a clear relatively loud voice someone say, “Paul, this is Ryan. Paul, this is Ryan.”
Last night freaked me out. This afternoon I decided to ask my “alters” that if I go to sleep if one of them would enter my body and record a video of them. Well after waking up I looked at my phone and was disappointed to not see any video. I’m not sure if they exist. If they exist, then maybe they’re shy or don’t want to reveal themselves to that degree. Or maybe they don’t like me. Idk. If they exist then I don’t want to force them. It really frustrates me. Like, maybe my purpose is just to exist in this painful outer world so they can have fun in their inner world. So many thoughts racing through my mind. It kind of feels like maybe I have DID, but my alters have chosen not to be apart of my life.
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Welcome
When I dont recognize a users name I check out their profile. yours is so amazing with details about all the different courses / subjects that you have taught yourself. I too stretch out and teach/ research when there is subjects that I would like to learn and understand.
but mental health wise I tend to leave that to my treatment providers to work on. you see years ago I discovered its not so easy to self diagnose. Ine time I had myself diagnosed as one thing and boy was I way way out of the park on what my actual disorders were. Turned out I had many disorders not just the one that I was trying to fit myself into.
reading your post I can tell you that I can not tell you what all this is in you. but what I can do is tell you what these things are in ...........me.
in ............me............. the standing at the window, sometimes tapping or pounding on it is, walking around the house and town while asleep was called sleep walking. this happened to me because the chemical in my brain that prevents movement to this extreme while sleeping wasnt being produced correctly in my. After going through a sleep study medication was prescribed and now I do not sleep walk any more.
the voices you talk about in your post.... again I cant tell you whether this is one thing or another in you. what I can do is tell you what this is in..............me.
I have many different mental disorders and physical health problems which means I had and have many different kinds of voices...
my dissociative voices were not my friends and most times did not talk nice to me. here where I am we have a new term called sense of agency. this is things like how and what dissociative alters can and cant do, how much control they have, when they take control of the body.... all that kinds of stuff. well each one of my dissociative alters had their own sense of agency. Rainy would only talk about sadness, depressing, things, would only take control when sad, depressing, scary things happened. example rain storms. i had a huge fear of thunder and I had to find my way home during a thunderstorm after being abused in the worst ways possible. Rainy came into being because of that extreme trauma during a thunder storm. everything about her was to deal with sadness, depressive, suicidal, fears and get safe and dry during storms. my point each one of .....my...... dissociative alters were like this where they had their own sense of agency. All my dissociative alters are now integrated with me to form one whole person with me again.
......my...... psychosis / delusion induced alters associated with bipolar disorder, medications, religious beliefs (spirits), MS (a physical health problem not mental ) were and are different. some were nice, friend like, some were mean, some I had the delusion that they were jumping in and out of my body, some i believed had all the answers to what was wrong with me and the world. Some were imaginary friends quality and characteristics. some even were carbon copies of things like my abusers, tv shows, books, movies, ... With this kind of alters my treatment providers have me on medications which helps to keep things in control, where I am not getting over whelmed saying and doing things I probably should not say and do.
Again I cant tell you what all this is in you. all we can do here is tell you what things are in our selves and possibly make suggestions of things that have helped us that may help you if you decide you want to try them.
my suggestion is contact a mental or physical health person that can do some actual diagnosis stuff with you. getting actual diagnosis's helped me so much. maybe it can help you too.