to die. But I still have emotional ties and connections to my mom and few friends, and the pain I know they'll experience if I kill myself keeps me from doing it. That's the one thing I want, but technically can't have. I mean I could, but I'm stopping myself. I feel conflicted as usual. All I've ever done is be there for others and compromise myself to accommodate for others. I don't know how to do things for myself and only feel valuable when I'm being of use, even though it also causes me a great deal of stress.

I'm in therapy right now. But it's hard. I see my therapist about 3 times a month. And I feel like it's not enough, but it's all my insurance can supply me with (therapy once a week actually, but work makes me miss one session a month). I need more consistency. A lot of additional stress comes from my job and MOSTLY my mother who I still live with. She affects my emotional state deeply.

I feel like I'm trying to get better because that's what expected from you, not because it's what I want to do. My first choice is death. But that's not socially acceptable, so I'm trying my best to go with getting better, but dying is always at the front of my mind or close behind every thought.