Ozzie,

I can so feel for what you are going through.....you have the Daddy husband, I have the child. Either way, that's their way of controlling us & it's very sad. Before I got married, I laid down my expectations & said that if he wan't interested on having a marriage that was a complete partnership, then I wasn't interested in getting married & didn't want to have anything to do with getting married. He didn't understand a word I said & still to this day, he doesn't understand what a true marriage partnership is.

I can understand how marriages stay together for so long....those of us who are doing the tolerating & the "existing" in the marriage are always thinking that it will work out & that it will get better. For me, 32 years later, sadly, I have come to the point where I can no longer tolerate the relationship. But after so many years, getting out of a relationship is almost impossible.....if we have tolerated it this long.....what's a few more years of unhappiness? As Sky said....that old saying...."can't live with them.....can't live without them". There comes a time when we know we have tried everything possible & they will never make the changes we need to be truely happy in the relationship.....but what will we be giving up if we end it & what will we be getting if we end it? Those are tough questions to answer when both haven't decided that the relationship has to end. The feeling of being alone after all those years of being together (even when we haven't really been together) is hard to accept. The concept of no one being there to talk to or listen when we say something (even if we aren't really being listened to). Just hearing someone walking in the house & knowing that we aren't completely alone are hard things to give up after so many years.....no matter how unhappy or empty we may truely feel. Giving up that "someone there" unless we are forced to is difficult.

We can be guaranteed that those doing the controlling aren't willing to end the relationship. They are getting their controlling needs filled by keeping the relationship going & unless we take that ability away from them, they have no desire to make any changes & we are the ones having to always figure out ways that we can be as happy as possible in the relationship. I have found that unless we get so completely fed up that we have to end it for our own mental or physical wellness, we will continue to find our own ways to cope, survive & exist in the relationship as best as we can.

I have felt for many years that is was very sad to have to just exist in a relationship & that the only time I was truely happy was when I was away, doing my own thing. It wasn't until I actually was able to have my own home completely away from the home with my husband, that I was able to see the reality of the relationship & just how unhappy I actually was. That that angry, mean, fighting, person that I was around him actually wasn't the real me. Everything that was coming out of me was only my response to his words & actions. That was a very scary picture to see....& that was when I realized that I couldn't continue living like that because once I couldn't just tolerate the childish actions & started really fighting back, I didn't like the person I was becoming around him & don't want to ever become that person. I am afraid that the longer I live that way, the more those actions might stick & I just don't ever want to become that person.

It finally got to the point where any lonliness feelings I will have to work through are much better than the fear of seeing what I was becomming (when I finally started to fight back) ending up a permanent part of me. It wasn't until I was able to escape that environment & look at it from outside that I was able to see how I was reacting & that it wasn't the real me that I was around the rest of the world.

When we are controlled by someone for so long, it is difficult to see anything else even though we know it's out there. If we are able to tolerate our lives & have learned to cope with it & accept it as best we can, venting when we need to, without getting to the point where we feel the requirement to "fight back" because we have had all we can take, then we can stick it out & just continue co-exist together for the rest of our lives.

Sadly, I have realized that there are many of us that understand & are experiencing similar situations as the one you are in. I hope that your venting & knowing that you are not alone in your frustrations will help you cope with your situation.

My hears & prayers are with you,
Debbie