When he went out of his way to do that, I felt so

minimized
inconsequential
unworthy
debased
lowered
devaluated

When he asked me to help him stop gawking I felt. . .

like he was glad I knew what he was doing (he was really demonstrative) and he was glad to put me in the humiliating position of "stopping" him.

I think you were kind of laughing at me and I was trying to be vulnerable. Maybe you were laughing in a "wow, I can't believe he did that" laugh. I don't know. Or is it because you are a guy and you don't see this as a big deal? It's a soul-crushing big deal. Not what was done, but the manner in which it was done. And the comment . . . you know.

And what I told you at the end. . .

I feel so defeminized. Dehumanized. So desolate. So irrelevant. So alone.

T, this has really disturbed me to the core. I don't know if I can wait for Wednesday. Are you thinking that I am just a stupid woman who can't deal with a man's instincts? Do you think this is all me? I want to be invisible . I want to disappear off the face of the earth.