when i was little i used si to deflect from the abuse... when i was a teen i learned that it calmed me... when i was a young adult... it helped me step away from myself... to be me at a distance... now it's all of the above... i am not sure that is selfish as much as self preservation... i know that in a really warped way... the reason i am still here...is because si has helped keep me from getting stuck in that really dark place... now, i have to find new ways to cope... i am working on it... but, it isn't about loving my family... or even myself...it isn't because i don't care enough... and if i just pretend it isn't there... then i don't look at what is going on to cause me to "need" to cut... i hope that helps you...lyn