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Hi everyone. I was looking at all the different forums and I really didn't know which one to post in. I have so many issues that I dont just fit in one. I am a severly depressed person, who also has anxiety, mood disorder, boarderline personality disorder, eating disorder,ect....ect... the thing is I have been waiting for so long for something to just change everything. I dont feel very productive. I have a son whho is 20 and living at home. He is very violent. He's hurt me before. I called the abuse hotline, there are things they can do, but I just can't bring myself to agree. Sometimes he can have an absolute heart of gold. I have a 17 year old daughter. She ran away for almost 3 weeks. That was so hard on me. I am glad she came home, but its like walking on eggshells. I really don't understand anyone anymore. I have a 16 year old son, who is pretty close to me. He has a anger problem too though. when he gets mad, oh my does he get mad. And the bad thing is its almost always over something stupid.
I just feel this tremendous amount of pressure on my shoulders. My husband doesn't understand me. He loves me and comforts me, but he will never know me completely. He is a bit learning disabled so I think that may be part of it. finally I had to turn all my finances over to a case manager. I couldnt make ends meet. So I'm no longer in charge of my own money. I take a lot of medications. I know I screw up on the dosages sometimes. I refuse thought to turn that over to anyone else. Its too many medicines.
I feel such a sense of worthlessness. My dad was such an alcoholic. He beat my mother and broke things everyday. She did too, she was no angel. The memories from then are so bad. I never tell anyone. I remember though, wanting to help my mom... I think I was around 5 years old maybe? but he had her up against the wall and was beating her...she was crying and looked so helpless. There was a phone mounted on the wall above her. He took it and smashed her on the head...I tried to jump on his back, but he easily threw me off. I ran next door for help, but My aunt just made me sit down and she gave me cookies. I was so mad at her. Then when mom came over afterwards...I saw her legs and they were all black and blue. I can never forget that, never. I have worse ones. I remember dad throwing our christmas tree once, and all the cookies mom worked so hard on...smashed furniture, plates, doors even. They all got replace as soon as they got broken...so it looked normal. I knew it was a bad day when I came home by the shape of the house...Me and my sister always had to clean up. I hate correll dishes, they splinter in tiny pieces. Oh God once dad was so sick..He had to throw up, he was too drunk. He threw up all the way down the hall and in the bathroom...we had all rugs. Then he laid in the bathroom floor sleeping. I cleaned it all up, it was disgusting and hard to get out of the rug...I know I was little. about maybe 8 or so? Mom worked night shift all the time. She never even knew. Dad would wake me and my sister up to clean the dishes or do work...even on a school night. He liked to cook when he was drunk late at night. And if he was mad at mom for something, thats the time he would start blameing us...it hurt so much....Once he was so distraught he put a rifle in his mouth to kill himself. When he came out of his room with it, I thought he was going to kill mom and us girls...but he wanted to kill himself...my big brother was there and pushed him just in time. The bullet went in the ceiling. I still see it over and over. It scared the %#@&#! out of me. so many memories..and I have such discontent now too. both of them are dead now. I am so sad and miss them? is that crazy or what? I do miss hugging my mom, even thought toward the end we had problems.\
Oh shoot, I'm done fo now, I ramble on and on if given the chance. Probaby no one will even have the patience to read such a long post...oh well...take care..Marie