Dear Blondie --

It sounds like you're cheerfully, blissfully unaware that stress may have had anything to do with my recent situation.

And, consequently, that addressing my anxiety and stress in therapy you know....might've.....possibly helped a teeny weeny bit?

Except of course I'm clearly totally incompetent at figuring out when I'm stressed, let alone what I'm stressed about -- I've described to you feeling paralyzed constantly by similar symptoms (racing heart, fogginess, light-headed-ness) and you've put it all down to trauma + more recent stuff triggering the trauma.

I'm not sure if we can keep going down that path -- it sounds like it'll take forever to sort out, if ever.

And, much as I'm putting on a brave face, I am terrified that something like it will happen again and while kicking the bucket would be totally okay, I'm much more worried about becoming permanently disabled somehow.

I don't know how to talk about all of this with you -- I suspect your response will be to widen your eyes and say something along the lines of 'That sounds awful, I'm so sorry' which is just going to enrage me and leave me feeling even more stuck because your sheer inadequacy as a therapist to do anything more than some version of a watered-down textbook attachment therapy will become terribly clear all around.

Please step up for heaven's sake?

I know I'm panicking -- likely needlessly -- but for once, I really need to know I'm in competent hands. And, all of this without even sorting out the complex relationship tangles that this episode has brought up in my life.....and which I am really so not prepared to deal with right now.

- AY