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T yesterday. Small talk, then he said he wanted to talk more about what was behind my wanting to view the video of him. He said he understood I had a natural curiosity about people who play certain roles in my life (like T's). I said yes, because the power is very unbalanced in the relationship. He gave a rather odd look. Me: OK, maybe "power" is the wrong word. But you know so much about me, even things I don't tell other people, but I don't know much about you. T: OK, that makes sense. In that way, there is a power imbalance. Me: Yes, and I think watching you let me see you outside, to give me a sense of what you're like when you're not in here with me. Not that what I saw probably represents how you are with family or friends, but...I guess maybe I wanted to see if you were actually an a**hole.
Talked about experience with MC, how I felt, because he shared so much, like I really "knew" him. That I was under the illusion for a long time that who he was in session was who he is as a person. T asked if he shared some things that didn't seem to match that. I said yes, with him talking about screaming at his kids, admitting punching a wall in the past, etc. T said that didn't seem to match with his persona. I said yes, but part of me maybe didn't believe that. But then with the call in December...I feel like I got to see a different side of him, maybe something more like the real MC? Because the way he was breathing and talking, it seemed like he was trying to avoid yelling at me. So it completely shattered the illusion.
T brought up the video thing, and said the main thing that bothered him about the viewing isn't that I watched the videos, it's that I figured out where he was. He said, "As you know, I don't tell clients where I'm going on when I'm away, so..." I said, "Yeah, I could tell by your reaction to that part...I'm sorry about that." He said I just happened to figure it out on a weekend that he was doing that.
He went back to watching the video. He said he wondered if it was partly because he was away on a day we'd normally meet, if I'd felt a bit abandoned so was looking for connection. I said that was probably part of it. He talked about a client who had taken a rock from his office—like he stole it and confessed after termination—and said he would hold it to feel connected to him. So T asked if it was like that.
I said, yes, in a way. How some posters on here had talked about transitional objects (I was sorta hoping he'd offer me one--maybe I need to come out and ask?). How honestly, that's part of why I'd asked for a business card in an early session. T said maybe it was also like the handwritten thing he'd given me for that Imago exercise. I said yes, but I hadn't looked at that recently.
He asked if I'd done similar things with people in the past. I said I was afraid to tell him this, because I didn't want him to think I'd do this with him--because I wouldn't. But with the high school teacher, I found his address in the phone book, and would sometimes drive by his street on my way home at night. T asked why I did that. I said seeing the lights on in his house and his car in the driveway was comforting to me. And, more recently how I knew what car MC drove because I'd seen him getting out of it multiple times. Sometimes when I had a session with ex-T, I would see MC's car in the parking lot and feel comforted, because it showed he still existed. So that may have been part of the watching the video thing--that I saw that T still existed.
I said I'd tried to explain it to MC once, saying I thought maybe it was about object permanence (where a young child doesn't believe that, say, their mother still exists when the mother leaves the room). How MC had completely discounted that, saying it's how a young child's mind works and wouldn't be how an adult mind is (or something like that) and I'd felt very dismissed. T said that made sense, how yes, the terminology I used is connected to young children, but that the concept was valid. That MC shouldn't have just dismissed it. It felt validating to hear him say that.
Then T said, "Can I ask you a question? Wait, why did I say it like that? I'm going to ask you a question." Me: OK. T: Were you only upset about what MC said in retrospect, now that you've terminated? Or were you upset at the time? Me: I was upset at the time, I felt I had this great insight and he was completely discounting it because of the terminology. T (sounding very serious): If I ever say anything to you that bothers or upsets you, I want you to tell me right then, at the time, OK? Me: OK, I will. Thanks. And I did try to tell MC at the time, but he just dismissed it.
T said I should try to think of the common threads between people I've been attached to and the situations. How maybe that could help us understand more what's going on with me. I said I could try to journal about that, and he said we could work on it together, too. He also said he didn't want me to end up with the same stuff happening with him that did with MC. Like if I went down that same path, developing unhealthy attachment, pushing too much, etc. Because that wouldn't help me. I said I agreed, that I didn't want it to happen again either, that I was really afraid of it.
I said how MC had told me that processing transference could be a healing experience, to sort of rewrite the endings to stories from my past. T said, "Corrective, then." I said yes. But it felt like he'd promised me that, and I kept holding on and trying to work through it in the hopes of getting that. But then I didn't end up getting that.
I said I felt bad saying this, but in some ways, I feel like MC was getting something out of my needing him. That he wanted to be needed. T said, "That would be countertransference. He's a very nurturing guy, so you looking to him for that could have brought out that side of him more."
I asked if understanding what was going on could help prevent me going down the same path. T said it could help. I said I guess I should be sharing whatever thoughts or urges I have. But that's scary to me, because I don't want him to get weirded out, thinking, "Oh, no, now what is LT going to do?" But I said I guess I should still share it, right? He said yes, that we should talk about it. I said maybe that could help me figure out what's behind all of this. And what the common thread is between people I have this reaction to, the wanting more of a connection and having trouble holding onto it between when I see them He said, "Yes, not to get all 'Schoolhouse Rock' on you, but 'Knowledge is power.'" I smiled.
Got out phones and scheduled. I joked that I needed to look around to figure out what item to steal, and he laughed. I said, "Oh, and you're not about to take a 3-week vacation, are you?" T: Not unless I win the lottery. Which would be difficult, since I don't buy lottery tickets. Went to desk and paid, while chatting about scratch-off lottery tickets. Shook hands as he said, "Thanks for chatting!" I said "Thank you, too. Uh...Have a good weekend!" T: "Today's Monday." Me (laughing): "Right, so it is!" T: "I'll see you Thursday." Me: "see you then."
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