Olive, given your input and how young you were when this relationship began, I doubt your partner manipulated you or planned to deceive you intentionally. From what you have shared about him, he was not a player and was inexperienced with relationships. Also, in the beginning he stated that it was possible to have a child but he was younger and that was not something he had to consider seriously. At the age you two began this relationship, you were both very young yet and a person can grow a lot over four years from the age you both were when you got together. I think he has matured a lot, has been busy learning and growing in respect to his career choice too. I think he has just gotten to a point where he is thinking more about where he sees his life going and he just can't see himself in the role of father and family man and all the responsibilities that comes with that choice. He has probably spent time thinking about his own history, the cancer he battled, the depression he manages and he is trying to be realistic about how he simply doesn't want the responsibility and commitment involved with having a child, after all, it's a major commitment to be responsible for a human being's life and welfare from infant until the child can be an adult and independent.

The two of you started out very young, you both explored living away from home, even moved a distance from home, and you both did some growing and learning "together". You have described him as being thoughtful, well, you are thoughtful and caring too Olive. The both of you in your time together have been learning about what it's like to have a relationship, a relationship outside of whatever you have in your family that you grew up with. If his family was dysfunctional, he probably did not really have much faith in his ability to have a relatively healthy relationship. Well, you have probably given him more support and nurturing than he has had his entire life. You also gave him "love" too, something he probably had not experienced before either. At this point your partner has realized he can have a relationship, he can have a partner while he is learning about also having a career. At this point he has probably decided this is all he wants, all he can see himself doing where he has a partner and a career. He has learned to manage the depression which is connected to "stress, doubt in self worth and fear of losing control". He is a different kind of controlling with you than your father was and is. Your growing up with your strong minded hard working father taught you to bend and your father also provided you with a sense of safety because he was hard working and did "provide" and he also WANTED to have his own family.

You talk about how you did disconnect somewhat from your family and spent time on your own, but the truth is you really haven't spent time truly "on your own and being independent". You are somewhat like a child learning to swim, and you swam away from your family but you are still wearing "floaties" in that you still shared a place to live with someone else instead of actually doing that all on your own. In today's world, that is an important step, important that you learn you CAN do for self and be independent because a lot of women out there have been forced to learn how to do that and at the same time are a single parent. Actually, a lot of women stay in an unhappy marriage simply because the woman is not really prepared to be an independent provider. Actually, more than ever a woman "must" be able to contribute as our current economy is not friendly at all when it comes to a single provider home, even if in a marriage where the husband is the main provider. This is one of the main reasons (at least here in the states) women are fighting so hard for "equal pay" right now.

Truth is Olive, even if he did want children, what if his career did not work out for him, after all he is not actually practicing "yet" and stable in that career choice. What if the cancer came back and he could not work and support a family, where would you be in your ability to step up to the plate and provide "if" you also had a child/children? Even if you did not have a child "yet" and got married to this man, what if he got ill and could not work, could you be the provider and "care" for him and his needs? A marriage is a big commitment too Olive. This is why it's important that you spend time "now" while you are still young enough to really think about your career choice and being happy with that choice and having what you need to have a better career that you actually enjoy doing verses being stuck doing something you hate because you "have to" in order to provide for some reason. Truth is, you are young and you have just been learning how to live on your own "with a partner" in a relationship. Well, right now you have two challenges, your partner telling you he doesn't want children AND you are not happy with the career you are in right now. Seeing where you are now is very important because you actually have some "time" to think about your career choice and in all honesty, this should happen first before "any" commitment that might take from the time you need right now to invest in having a career you are happier in that can also provide for YOU if you need that to happen. Actually, right now, you have been talking about how your relationship is causing you stress, migraine headaches and emotional uncertainty. Well, honestly, YOUR priority right now needs to be in "yourself" so you are better prepared to make "other" important life choices which includes committing to a marriage to someone that doesn't have the same possible life path that you may want and where you are really "too young" yet to make that choice.

I don't think this guy is manipulating you as others are suggesting, he is just trying to be honest about how he really doesn't see himself as a "family" man and yet I do believe he loves you. Well, you talk about investing four years into this relationship. but you also invested that time into your education and a possible career that you are not happy with right now. Investing four years in something should not be a reason to "commit" to a life choice, not at this point in your life, can you see that? So far you have "learned" that you "can" do a relationship, you "can" engage in your education, you "can" work in a career too, but you have to also think about what you "can" do where you will be happier in both these areas. And you are really not ready to commit for "life" and that's PERFECTLY OK. Truth is a person really does a lot of growing and maturing in their twenties. A lot of people make choices and life commitments during this time in their life they end up regretting too. Truth is, you actually have time to focus more on yourself "first" and hold off on making any major commitments. Yes, other people around you in your life have their own ideas about what you should and should not do, but always remember "it's your life" not theirs and you deserve to spend time "learning" about that too for yourself Olive.