I'm sorry you are feeling so desperate. I've been there too. (I go back to visit regularly.) I'm sure you know the standard response: "Reach out in real life for the help." But I know how it is. I recall that, on several occasions in the past, I've said to mental health professionals I was seeing: "If I'm rational enough to call someone, then I'm not really in danger. But if I'm really in danger, I'll be too far gone to call someone." I send hugs your way with the hope that, somehow, you will be able to find deep peace within...