I tried to talk to him about a professional issue but it was going nowhere and I was getting a bit bored and frustrated. I went quiet. He said I seemed sad. I said I am a bit, because i could sense his hesitancy. He said it's a weird thing because it's a part of who we both are but it is not why we meet.
I said I couldn't be bothered to talk to him about anything. I told him it felt like there was no point and I was worried he would make me feel worse.
We started talking about how I was feeling. I said I wasn't feeling much now.
T said I had expressed sadness and fear so far but I seem to have shifted away from that. That it feels important to pay attention to the subtle shifts in the way I was feeling. I burst out laughing. I said it feels ludicrous to have to be detective to myself. T said I need I deerstalker. I said "does that make you Watson?". He said maybe. He asked what the case would be. I said that's a good question. How can you tell when the nature of the mystery is a mystery. T suggested "the case of the woman who is fearful of intruding" he said that was based on last week. I said how about "the case of the woman who can't make sense of herself". I said I have so many feelings and I can't make sense of them. I don't know what they're all about.
He said where do I feel them? I said in my head, my chest and my stomach.
He said what is it like. I said my head has this sense of urgency, like I have to fix this now. It's panicky. My chest is tight and like it's shutting down. My stomach is hollow like there is something missing. That's where the yearning comes from. He asked what that feels like. I said it feels like it's going to kill me. He asked "the absence is going to kill you?" I said yes.
T asked what does the missing thing look like? I said I dont know, it has been gone for so long (I felt a bit upset when I said that).
He asked who took it. I said I feel like it's my fault it's gone. He said "you lost it?" I said I drove it away. He said "if you did, you had a good reason to at the time". I just looked at him.
He said there's a couple of minutes left, is there anything we can do to make sure you are safe to leave. I just looked at him. He said what's happening? I said "I dont know" then I said "I'm fighting crying". He said "don't fight it". I shed a couple of tears but then stopped myself because time was up. He said it's okay that I can't make sense of it all.
I stood up and said "come on then" and we hugged for quite a long time and he squeezed me tight. I said goodbye and he said "take care".
We just touched some deep stuff which I've never touched in therapy before. It's a shame it happened in the last 15 minutes.