Well... I'm a guy (sort-of) To be more exact... I'm an old man. But I've waged a life-long struggle with gender identity dysphoria. I never did anything about it. For most of my life, I didn't really imagine there was anything I could do about it. And, along with my GID issues, I've also struggled with depression & an ocean-liner's-worth of anxiety. So, although my gender identity issues were in the opposite direction from yours (MtF rather than FtM) I still know a lot, I believe, about what you are experiencing.

In my case, one the conundrums I've struggled with was what came first. Was I born with gender identity issues (as current thinking on the subject suggests) & my inability to do anything about it caused me to develop clinical depression & overwhelming anxiety? Or were my GID issues simply one aspect of a more overarching mental illness that also included depression & anxiety? My inclination, at this late stage of my life, is to say it was the latter. But I really don't know. And, at this point, I never will. All I can say is that my struggles with all three started very early in my life... back before I even have any reliable memory.

The other thing I can say, with regard to all of this is that my battles with GID, depression & anxiety went a long way toward helping me to make a real mess of my life. I did try seeing a few different therapists during my later decades. But it was all just too little too late. But the thing is, in your case, it's not at all too late. You have plenty of time to figure this all out! But, at least from my perspective, what is really going to be important for you is for you to find an experienced gender therapist you can work with. Gender identity issues are really confusing. (At least they have been for me. There have been more contradictions in my life than I can count.) Working with an experienced gender therapist can help you to sort through everything you are experiencing & figure out what you want to do... what you need to do about it.

By the way, there is a gender therapist named Dara Hoffman-Fox who uploads videos onto YouTube. You might find watching some of Dara's videos to be most helpful. Here's a link to Dara's YouTube channel:

https://www.youtube.com/user/darahoffmanfox

Also... note the link, at the top of the "Related Channels" list on Dara's YouTube channel, to another gender therapist's channel: "The Transition Channel". This may also be something it will be worth taking a look at.

My best wishes to you...