I am not sure which forum to post this in. I am really struggling right now. I have been in a relationship for the past year and a half with an awesome guy...he knows most of my past issues and is, for the most part, supportive. However, I have the worst abandonment issues when it comes to him, and it seems like they are getting worse, not better, as time goes on. (I'm also in therapy, which I think helps in the long run but am more emotional overall because I'm consciously dealing with issues.) Feeling close and safe triggers feelings about past abuse or abandonment. I want to talk about my feelings, but that is a trigger for me in and of itself. In the past, I've been "punished" for having feelings and for expressing them, so I've learned not to. The cycle is that something will trigger me, and I'll be obviously upset (but trying my hardest to hide it), and he'll try to be supportive, and then I'll try to talk about it...but then I just feel even more terrified and ashamed for having talked about it at all. I'm just waiting for "the other shoe to drop" and for him to leave me for having all these issues. But then again, if I DON'T talk about it, I'm afraid he'll leave me for being too closed off and unexpressive. It's like, no matter what, I don't win. And sometimes it's the smallest things that touch this abandonment nerve...Like this past weekend he bought a new HGTV but didn't tell me until I saw it for myself, said he wanted to surprise me. But 2 of his coworkers knew, as they helped him move it in. And I felt hurt that I hadn't been the first to know, felt that meant I wasn't important enough to him. And once I got in the mindframe of thinking like that, I started interpreting everything as a sign of him not loving me, not wanting to be with me or be around me. I started feeling like, if he loved me, he wouldn't want to: watch the superbowl, spend time with friends, do this or that. Which I know isn't rational or healthy. But then again, if he wasn't doing those things, I would feel guilty, like I had manipulated him into not doing what he wanted and that he'd only be spending time with me because he pities me. I rarely act on these emotions. I mean, I don't pick fights or act out-- mostly I just withdraw and isolate myself, cry to myself, but it eats me up so much. And he'll tend to pick up on things anyway, ask me what's wrong, so I'll have to talk about it a little...and feel bad about myself for admitting these things.

My question is, how do I overcome this? Is it just going to keep getting worse and worse? This is the first healthy relationship I've been in...why does it hurt so much? It's to the point where I almost want to break up with him, not because of anything with him but because I can't stand the feelings it brings about in me (and I guess I'm afraid he's going to do it anyway so I want to beat him to it.)