I did take a drive. I drove like an *** hole though. So was it better...I don’t know.

T was very patient with me but firm as well. Said I was saying I didn’t want hospital but I was acting like I wanted her to call mobile crisis by refusing to hand over meds to SIL. I don’t know what I was looking for. In the end I broke down and texted SIL. Gave her my meds less the ones for the week. Except I kept trazodone and Ativan. For sleep purposes.

My energy is gone now and I am just exhausted and want to cry and sleep and cry and sleep and just die. In the fall I felt like the suicidal thoughts were separate from myself but this time it’s all me. I’m ****ing TIRED OF THIS ****. I don’t want to be here. I don’t care that it will get better because it will get worse after that. Everyone always says BP is cyclical, so yeah, I’ll feel better for awhile, and then I’m back into THIS FRESH HELL.

I don’t want to do it anymore. I love my son but maybe it would be better for him as well. I could write a will that says he goes to my SIL and her husband and he would be well taken care of, much better job than I can do.

Tired of being the one that fights.