I talked to T about different things about which I struggle. T helped me navigate some difficult things and I feel that I have a lot to think about. I think that my feelings/emotions in session were real, and I think that the part of me that thinks I am having paranoid thoughts may also be a part of this. I think both are true. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting implicit negative vibes, and I believe that is true. It's kind of difficult not to consider the worst, because if I don't expect it, it might destroy me. I had a really difficult time talking to T using some terms which was embarrassing. I feel as if I have been diligently trying to navigate my way through all of this at work , at home, and with T.

Then T tells me he is going away and may not have cell phone reception. I don't care anymore. That is my pat response to a situation that causes me pain in which I have no way of knowing if my emotions will get in an uproar, or not. I want to talk about how strong and powerful I am, but really, I am afraid. I don't even think it is going to bother me at all, but again, it's like I have to prepare for the worst.

I told T that I wasn't sure if I didn't trust others of whom I was speaking or if I don't trust myself. How do I know when I am projecting? It's maddening. Maybe that is my problem. I can't even have one thought about another without considering if I am projecting. I hyperanalyze everything and think, am I angry at home at feeling powerless, or am I really trying to tell T that I feel powerless with him? At a low level, I feel powerless because he is going away and might not have cell phone reception. But I trust him. I trust that he isn't sending me implicit messages of anger and such. It is a sense of powerlessness, needing someone and not being sure they will be there. I haven't chosen this. However, I don't feel like I am below my T, in the other situation, I do. My T is just my T, and as that, I am attached to him.

I am having such a difficult time discerning what is going on, whether my negative emotions and/or paranoia are a part of this, is what I'm saying true as far as how I'm conveying it, or am I projecting my emotions outward?

The confusion I am suffering rom is horrid. It makes me feel sad for myself because it makes the world a difficult place to live in. What is real? What is projection? What is accurate? It's almost like I am gaslighting myself, although that probably isn't possible.

In spite of all of this confusion, I am moving forward.

I feel like I need an after session after each session to discuss the session. I guess that is called next week.