i had a really tough session with T. i was so spacey. i felt like i wasn't even there. she asked if i needed to go to the hospital because i didn't look safe driving. she said some things that stick out to me now even though i don't remember most of what she said. the things i remember are upsetting, but at the time i was to dead to react. she said, "i mean, you don't even know me besides what you see here, so what makes you think you would want to be friends with me?" she said, things like, "do you see how this state you are in right now pushes people away. you're putting up a wall." that one only hurt because she wasn't comforting me, so that statement obviously pertained to her at the moment. she made me sign a safety contract before i left saying i wouldnt hurt myself. i did. but it wasn't until after i got home that i realized what that was about. and i got really angry. and i sent her this email. out of anger...

you just made me sign that stupid paper to cover yourself if i were to do something harmful enough to myself to end my life. so you can't be sued. like i said your life would go on just fine if i died. your day is going on just fine as i sit here a complete wreck. andrea called while i was sitting here crying. i answered. subconsciously seeking someone, anyone. i couldn't even help myself to cover up my tears in my voice so she wouldnt notice, so she didn't even notice i was upset. after we hung up i cried and cried. then i decided to call Gloria. i didn't even think she would answer. she did. she noticed it in my voice even though i tried to mask it. i again covered it up and said no, nothings wrong im fine. she said ok and continued to talk and i cried as i listened to her voice. i couldn't even tell you what she said. She asked how i was doing and i just kept putting it off and asking about her. Then she had to cut it short and hang up. when we hung up i cried even harder again. i don't even know what i would have told her if i did say something was wrong. then i layed down and just stopped everything. i hoped to just die, or pass out, or just disappear. then i realized. you made me sign that paper not because you care what i do tonight, its so you can go on living and not blame yourself if i do something harmful. now you can put me out of your mind and not think of me until wednesday. each and every moment for me right now is just so painful as it passes and for you wednesday will come sooner than you know it. i hate this. it hurts so much. you don't care. you can't care. you can't for your own sanity. i sat there with you and it hurt so bad. ive never been in so much pain infront of someone and have them just look at me. did you enjoy watching me be miserable? i really can't take this. these boundaries, this whole weird one sided relationship thats just so fake. you say you care about all your clients. yea, for their hour. this is hurting me so much and you can use things like saftey contracts so it doesn't hurt you. that was for you not me. why am i having a relationship with you. why am i having a relationship with someone i don't know. why am i letting myself trust you only to get hurt again and again. why do i keep going back to you. its not like you'd be upset if i stopped. someone else would just fill my slot. you'd still get paid. i'm sick of needing you so much. i want to be done with this. sorry, on wednesday i'm going to be sick. i won't be making it.