So, I'm going on a trip in a little over four hours. I'm pretty much all packed, save the laptop I'm currently using, and am in a house full of sleeping friends who I'm going with. Originally, I wasn't going to go (much for the same reason I'm unable to sleep tonight). My friends told me that it might be good for me and my T did, too. So, I brought it up with my fiance and he also said I should go. So, everyone thinks it's a good idea.

This is the second trip I've gone on where I'm going to be unfamiliar with the landscape. Even with the first one, I'd at least been through the city a few times on the way to my grandpa's. Regardless, during the first one I was on edge and kept seeing repeated images of myself and the others in a bad car wreck. Well, it seems to be happening again. I keep seeing the worst possible outcomes over and over and over again.

I'm also dealing with something else. I have PTSD and issues with dissociation, I also have issues with hallucinations and paranoia. Lately, all of these issues have been worse, much worse. When all of it gets too overwhelming I go into this weird state where I can't remember anything, not even my name. When it doesn't get to that extreme, I just end up really confused with what's real or not.

Needless to say, I'm very anxious about this trip. Only one of these friends knows close to the full extent of my mental health issues. The others know I hallucinate a little, have PTSD and depression. They don't know about the dissociation which is usually okay because I trust the one who takes control, it's just that I don't want these other friends to know about this issue. I don't even want to know about it, let alone everyone else. What if I dissociate in front of them and they find out? What if they see me have a flashback (again) and this time they won't be able to calm me down? What if these images in my head are actually real (not anxiety) and it's actually going to happen?

Sorry, I'm probably just really anxious. Does anyone else get like this before a trip?