logically-- i know that i am a good person that tries to better myself every day, who is intelligent, funny, insightful, creative, loving...so many good things that i should be proud of. and YET-
i am so hard on myself for EVERYTHING. harder on myself than i would ever be on anyone else. i know this is terrible and irrational but i cant seem to break out of these feelings of self hatred every time i feel like i "screw up" something. and then i spiral back into all the ways in which im "just so messed up" and how i feel like i try so hard to deal with things in a healthy way but i just cant seem to GET there. i turn into a rambling, bumbling idiot, totally emotional when i just need to calm down.
i did the therapy thing.....for years. and the med thing. im incredibly self aware and i know i am driving myself crazy because i have too much free time to think (im on disability). i also have pretty bad social anxiety so i keep to myself and my loved ones.
i just dont understand why i feel this way. i dont remember my parents telling me i had to be perfect, just to do the best i could. and my partner is way more accepting and loving of me than i am of myself. why cant i see myself as my loved ones do?